Today marks one month since my life was drastically altered in a way I wasn’t prepared for by someone I let treat me less than I deserved for years. Each time he dumped me and kept coming back for me...groveling and reassuring me things would be different...I would talk myself into the “Yes, of course people can change.” mindset and continue to hope and earnestly believe I would someday see the man that would treat me like he promised he would just so I could continue loving him. I’d be lying if I said I handled it gracefully. I developed manic and obsessive behavior with my thoughts that kept me below low for a couple of weeks, trying to sensibly pull myself together so I could continue doing the basics of what I needed to do to live...such as sleeping and eating. I was by all means mentally at rock bottom.
Love couldn’t feel like a fairytale with him because I couldn’t truly relax my heart to feel safe from all the things I had been through with him from trying to love him and show him that love can be easy....That I was always going to be there rooting for us and supporting him as long as he wanted me to be. Because that’s what real love is? Right? Unconditional? I gave more and more of myself each time we started over trying to show him even more love and still impress him. It never was enough though because more often than not I would end up feeling and seeing that compared to everyone else he thought I wasn’t that smart, that interesting, that great, that talented, that much of much...just a kind and quirky personality, nice body and a cute face. I don’t regret putting my love out there and I don’t regret it almost breaking me because my one real LT relationship has molded me and my heart into stronger joined entities, highly self aware of their great and rare worth put together. I know I will rise from this, and I will find the love of my dreams with someone that makes me giving my love and accepting theirs the easiest and most beautiful thing. #curlyhair #me #feelings #breakups #newyork #fashionmodel #beauty #makeup #naturalhair #cute #determined #selfcare #thoughts #newyork #lovelessons #life #growth #video #mood #selflove #newchapter #blackgirlmagic