I wished you could be fresher in my memory. There are some details of you that go missing with time and while all I want to is for time to pass so I can either see you again or completely forget about you, I would also like for time to stop so that I can never forget your voice or the sparkle in your eyes when you laughed at what I said even when I wasn't trying to be funny.
Of course there are some details I will never forget like the warmth that vibrated through my heart as you would ask for my opinion, or the way time really stooped when my eyes met yours. But sometimes as I live other crazy experiences without you, as I discover scars in other people and start to live to their rythm, lately even miss other people almost the way I miss you, I want to be reminded of you. I want your memory to fill my senses and tell me that it's okay to be vulnerable, just like you used to tell me back in those summer days.
In the moments where I feel most at peace or must vulnerable, I think of you. Because you thought me how to feel, you thought me that feelings are all that we need in this world. And I want to thank you by remembering you but sometimes all I can recall is how you made me feel rather than the way you looked or the way you sounded. But that in itself is enough to make me feel warm again, to make me feel valid again and to give me the full certainty that missing someone is the sweetest torture there can be felt. It puts contrast between good times and bad times. It makes you want more out of every moment, but in the same time gives you a safe place to run to when your thoughts spin out of control.
So I will allow myself to feel, to miss you and the people in my life who changed me the minute I started talking to them. And I will tell myself that even if I didn't have many minutes with those persons, I now have the memory of them and I know that at least she will never leave my sight.
-Mct// A meditation on longing.