Lately, I’ve been getting sweet compliments from my friends telling me I look beautiful. As lovely as it is, I sometimes feel unprepared to receive this praise. I can feel caught off-guard & fumble to say thank you. I believe the shift has to do more with a change in essence than physical qualities. After a dose of awareness, I've consciously made it a practice to stop being so damn competitive & trying so hard to prove myself.
The other day, I went skinning with a friend. I was dying & had to stop regularly. He was kind & didn’t mind waiting for me. I didn’t beat myself up or push myself beyond where I was at. I took in the beauty & accepted the limitations of my body for that day. I showed my appreciation for his willingness to wait for me with a big smile without justifying why I was so slow. Things were not always this way.
Recently, someone I cared about told me he didn’t think he was man enough for me. Staring back in disbelief, it ripped my heart out because it wasn’t how I saw him at all. It made me realize how ill-equipped I still was to accept the many gifts men have to offer. This had everything to do with me over-asserting myself & nothing to do with him. Around the same time, a friend of mine made a comment about how we, “bro out.” Eh. I don’t want to bro out. At a young age, I adopted the idea that to be successful in life, I needed to prove how smart, athletic & capable I was. This was the beginning of a negative cycle of competition in my relationships. Instead of embracing the receiving nature of being a woman, I was constantly trying to sell myself. Not only is it unattractive, it’s exhausting.
More and more, I am embracing the qualities that make me a woman. I don’t want to be in regular competition with my (hypothetical) man or any man or person for that matter! It’s a work in progress for me to let down my walls, open up my heart to love, be vulnerable, talk less, listen more, and communicate without selling myself, but every time I do, I feel more comfortable in my own skin because I am not pushing so hard to make things happen & am instead embracing the flow of being a woman.