8 months ago i would go to bed and sob. the night would break open my heart
+ Papa would always come and rock me. always. i would curl up into His lap fall apart
the years i wasted waiting. and waiting. my life leaking out in years turning into
decades. deceived. how can one live al lifetime believing one thing only to find it was
i was gutted at everything i lost, including myself. in 2012 i vowed to go back. to get everything i lost
everything i giveaway. things that weren’t mine to give.
i would mourn for what wasn’t real. what was a lie. it felt every bit as real to me.
that i f i lost this lie that i had build my life on, i couldn’t go on. i could’t live. that i would literally kill me. -
can you even heal this papa? is that even possible? how much farther? how much more?
only a couple of years ago i was living in the mindset of “ i can’t take one more ounce of pain"
how does one go from years of spiritual parasites that ate away a life from the inside out
and from the outside in
lies. eat. away. lives. -
they imbed themselves and are invisible to the naked eye
over the last six-eight months Holy Spirit has done heart surgery..every night. i asked. i knew i could no
longer live in this in-between of the living dead hanging onto a marriage. i knew the circular would soon drive
me forever mad.
his actions were repetitive and predictable and were our familiar + like course sandpaper
the grit forever altered the landscape of
me and my/our children’s hearts. their spirits. forever. and there was nothing i could do to change that
or that is what i used to believe,
and i internalized all of this and more. for everyone
even his wounds. i carried it all
but over the last couple of years Holy Spirit has been healing me as i took his hand. oh how i long
to share…to let out all of His goodness. His kindness. His faithfulness. His gentleness with you all!
He is NOTHING like i used to believe he was in my head. in my religion. His smile when he sees me
lights up the room…lights up my spirit inside. everything He promised He has done and is doing.
( cont. in comments )