LDR. We could have had it all.
❗Warning❗Very long post ahead!
Long distance relationships are hard AF! I never thought I would find myself into one. But I did. I've spent 4 months in India and met this guy 2 weeks before leaving. It was weird to say the least. Full of ups and downs, false starts, misunderstandings, differences in belief systems. .
I don't know why we kept going when I got back home. Nostalgia, loneliness, unwillingness to find a job and go back to reality. Aloofness. Bad weather. More loneliness. We stuck with it.
We had ups and downs. To be honest, more downs than ups. 6000 km between us but we became moulded into one person, desperately trying to fit each other into our lives. There was a point when I didn't know where I ended and he started. I lost myself in him. We'd spend hours every day telling each other stories of the things we'd do when we met.
Honestly, I can't count the times we've broken up. Didn't speak for weeks. Keep resentment and regrets. And always came back to each other. Ascribing our breakups to distance, nervousness, stress, personal differences. .
He was patient, I was not. He is water 🌊, I am fire 🔥. I used to get angry and irritated easily, it's my go-to emotional pattern when I feel helpless. He used to withdraw into himself. .
It happened two days ago and all of a sudden. Unexpectedly. Anger from both sides, almost like internal arson. We fought, we tried to explain. But then, the worst that can happen in any relationship; name calling. We started hurting the other one almost on purpose in a desperate attemp to defend ourselves. Harsh words were used. We became almost abusive, manipulative in a desperate attempt to make each other heard and understood.
Bloodbath. The word he used to describe the end of this relationship. It was a bloodbath.
As I reflect upon everything I can't help myself but feel super guilty and resentful towards myself. I am giving myself a bloodbath. It will pass, it always does. .
I've grown. I've learned. I gained so much. I am forever thankfu to the guy who opened the door to my internal darkness so that I could begin to heal again. .
Thank you. I ❤️ you. Always wear a helmet 😊