Are you afraid of monsters??😬🙈 Random insight I had about myself earlier that I thought might be helpful to one of you?.. 😬🤞 So I was walking down the hallway towards Ranjit and Theo and listening to them as they played cars together happily and I felt this immediate sense of love and gratitude for having the two of them in my life (Iggys at school so otherwise - three of them😉). I felt my heart swell with love for them but then... Something shifted and I felt this huge wave of sadness come over me, tears stung my eyes, and a huge, aching heaviness arrived within my heart... It felt like loving them hurt.
Like love itself was painful and unpleasant.
I’ve felt this feeling so many times before but always ignored it as merely a part of my love for them.
I thought that perhaps the grief I always felt when I paused to think of how much I loved them was just a feeling everyone gets when they feel too much love? That it's simply too much to hold within my chest, that it had no choice but to pour out my eyeballs.
Each night when I tuck my family into bed the sadness arrives.
The worry... The ‘what if’ a huge war comes to where we live and my children suffer?
What if we become refugees and we lose each other during our attempt to find safety and my children are frightened and alone?
What if one of them is terribly hurt like the sweet babies I see daily in my newsfeed?
What if?.. Today for some reason, I decided to search for the true root of this sadness and as I took a deep breath into that familiar sense of sadness, suddenly, I found fear.
It wasn’t ‘love’ that was hurting my heart after all. It was fear.
A deep fear.
A fear of watching them suffer and being unable to help them, unable to save them.
Immediately I recognised this fear. I’d felt it before.
In that hospital room waiting for my brother to die, that’s exactly how I felt.
So much love and yet, completely unable to help him, to save him.
Oh the pain of it.
That fear and pain lead to me pushing love away for so long.
Honestly, I thought I’d overcome it and yet here it is. Here it has always been... The rest is in comments😘