Fuck Your Dreams- They Aren't Your Dreams Anyway
A call to action to any man living someone else's blueprint. -
Numb, reckless, and disconnected.
I woke up one day and it clicked. This is how I’ve lived my entire life.
The numbness was necessary. The voice that called on me to grow into something more was incessant. I needed the numbness to push through it. My recklessness was a cheap imitation of happiness. “Look at me, I’m so crazy!” I was playing a character. A care-free, confident, alcohol-fueled party boy.
I drank any night of the week provided there was a party, and I drove drunk when I deemed it ‘necessary’. The alcohol helped me pull this persona off. More important, it kept me numb.
Part of me hoped others could smell the booze seeping from my pores the day after a party. If there was any doubt that I didn’t give a fuck, I wanted to eradicate it.
The truth is, I gave a fuck. But I ignored that too.
One day I woke up and became aware of my delusions. I wasn’t care-free, happy, or having fun. I was running away from who I was, and it was creating an internal nightmare.
It wasn’t until I was thrust into empty space that I realized this about myself.
I had taken a job 2000 km away from anyone I knew, and was forced to sit alone with myself for days at a time.
This was nearly unbearable for me. My thoughts were the last thing I wanted to be alone with. But as I sat with them, the onion that was my persona began to peel back. Through this, I learned who I was, and who I wasn’t. I realized I was a coward- running from who I was, trying to be who I thought others wanted me to be.
This was the moment it turned around. I began to accept myself, shed the protective layers of my persona, and grow into who I was meant to be.
At the time I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I realize now, so many men are lost and depressed. Despite everything appearing perfect on the outside, inside, they’re fighting a battle they can’t comprehend. -
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