qotd: how are you feeling right now? — 🥀
last week, i relapsed.
i’ve accepted my impulsiveness and the amount of regret it comes with when it manifests itself.
last week when i relapsed, i woke up regretting it.
i was angry at myself for forgetting that healing that’s time.
when my mother found it, she wouldn’t speak to me.
when my father found out, we were standing in the kitchen.
he dropped what he was holding.
he broke my mothers favorite glass vase.
i guess there wasn’t anything beautiful for it to hold anyways, but even then it hurts when things break in your hands.
so i understand the hurt. i tried to talk about it. the thing is there is no easy way to say that the best dreams i’ve had are the ones in which i die. there isn’t an easy way to say that i hate myself for not having the courage to leap in front of moving cars. last week when i relapsed, i woke up regretting it. i held myself to make it okay. i didn’t talk about it. when my parents found out, i tried to use apologies as bandages. i can still see the bleeding from here even now.