Ohh my baby 💕
Tonight I put Noa to bed at Mum and Dads house. Siaki and I are off early tomorrow morning to Auckland for the weekend for a wedding.
I haven’t left Noa overnight often. In fact this will be the longest I’ve ever been away from him.
I sit in the middle of being excited for some ‘time off’ from mummy-ing and then anxiety about leaving him.
I don’t throw the word anxiety around loosely, it being such a real living nightmare for so many.
I’ve had my fair share of battles with it in the past.
And then since having Noa it intensified again.
Rationally I know that he is going to be absolutely fine, that in fact he will have an absolute ball with his Nanny, Poppy and Aunty Ashy.
Irrationally I think of every worse case scenario possible that could happen while I’m away.
Basically torturing myself with my crazy thoughts.
And why do I think that me being around would prevent any and every ‘bad thing’ from happening?
I know that time out is good, that doing things for ourselves as mothers is important. I give this advice to others.
Why do I feel like it’s different for me?
I don’t want to feel this way or for Noa to ever pick up on my anxiety. He’s such a secure, happy little boy.
Why can’t I trust in that?
It’s funny, there have been many moments in my almost four years of being a mother, where I’ve seen Noa as the teacher.
Teaching me about myself, or a more beautiful way of seeing things.
And here I am, sitting here typing this and realising that this is another one of these times.
Just by me knowing that he is secure and happy - is a pretty good indication that I’m doing something right and that I in turn should just RELAX.
You can’t always be in control Hayley. .