Last night I could not sleep. I could not work. After training and dinner I just sat, macbook and diary open, just trying to do shit. But had a very weird feeling, I was feeling very low. I realised I was feeling empty, even though the day had gone by decently, I had this feeling of not being satisfied. It intensified over the next 2/3 hours. To the point where I gave up the idea of trying to accomplish some work.
Just like the man in these pictures I started looking for the reason. Why am I feeling this way? What do I want? Do I want to get faster results on YouTube? Do I want to get back to having sex regularly ( not for myself but because I enjoy giving to a woman the pleasure that the female form deserves, maybe that physical touch and spiritual release provide me with a feeling of wellbeing? ). Do I want to get back to squatting bar bending weight?
Then I thought about Love. Everyday I'm getting messages from people, thanking me, but I thought maybe I wanted more. Maybe I wanted some more love, you know? Not just thanks but let's say people caring about what's going on at my end, how I'm feeling, what I'm dreaming about, how is the return to training going with my ankle. Speaking to me not just for help but just to chat, have a good time, show some genuine interest in the things that I'm working on - not just the end result. Just stupid simple shit like that. But I think that stupid shit matters when you don't get it for a very long time. Not blaming anyone but myself, I hole myself up with work. But I still feel like I'm not working hard enough... Dunno - anyway, called jaie up at 4 in the morning to speak about all this. She told me get Cuddles in the bed and sleep with him, because I told her that I think I wanted to Feel some love. I wanted to hold someone last night, preferably female, to balance out all this mighty Testosterone in me, and just chill for a while.
Then it struck me - I sometimes forget that I'm still in depression clinically. I'm still on medication. I behave and live life as if nothing's wrong, and tbh nothing really is wrong there's lots to be happy and thankful for. But anyway, would have been nice to hold someone last night..