I’ve been fighting with God the past few weeks on timing.
In my limited vision + understanding, im convinced NOW is the time to get pregnant, grow our family + hit some major milestones on my vision board.
But instead of being affirmed that I’m right, Im watching friend after friend announce their pregnancy or their home purchase or this or that + Im sucked right into the most dangerous territory of my heart: the thoughts of “that’s not fair” or “I deserve that”.
If I allow these thoughts to plant seeds in my heart + mind, I get lost in a black whole of negative talk, complaining, arguments of fairness. My confidence in Gods work in me, the path he’s called ME to gets lost + forgotten.
It started happening to me this morning. The ANGER of “why not?” The pain of “will you ever?”
This happens to ALL of us.
The only way to beat it, is planting yourself right back in the truth.
For an hour I sat here + read word after word after word until the ickiness of discontentment + negativity washed clean.
I’m not perfect.
I fight God daily about what He’s doing with me. But everyday he wins. 🙌🏼PTL 😉
He shows me his KINDNESS In a “not yet” response. He demonstrates his fairness in a “trust me” whisper. He pours into my fragile, hurting heart a LOVE, a GRACE, a MERCY that says “you’re not forgotten, you’re loved just as much as anyone; trust I know what’s best for you”.
Parents do things DAILY for their kids that kids fight... take naps, do chores, no candy before bed. None of which a kid sees as fair at the time. But the parent sees the bigger picture, they’re heart is FOR their baby. And their love is LAVISHED on their child as they guide, direct, teach, slow down, inform, + protect their baby for the BIGGER picture.
God is on the move.
Im discovering the depths of his love, width of his fairness + height at which I can trust him.
I don’t see the whole picture, but I do know allowing negativity to win on the battlefield will paralyze his ability to use + bless me.
So I will sit.
Day after day for as many days as I have on this 🌎 to wrestle with him, KNOW him + LOVE him.
His presence; the greatest yes he’s ever given me.