#joywarrior

MAIS RECENTES

Who wants to play with me?!?! I learned some amazing stuff this weekend. Can’t wait to incorporate into spreading #morejoy ! #lifeisgood #lifeisgoodkidsfoundation #lifeisgoodplaymakers #joywarrior

6 of 6
Just drinking some #cheerwine down at the #laundromat
A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to pretend to be a #hometownmodel for @brooklynjamisonphoto
You should check her work out, she is an amazingly talented photographer! I had so much fun!
#itsbiggerthanmakingafacepretty #undiscovered_muas #828isgreat #joywarrior #hopedealer #beautyslinger #pretendmodel #makeupbyleahhensonmilan #creativeweirdo #beabasicunicorn #becausewhynot @drinkcheerwine

5 of 6
Just drinking some #cheerwine down at the #laundromat
A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to pretend to be a #hometownmodel for @brooklynjamisonphoto
You should check her work out, she is an amazingly talented photographer! I had so much fun!
#itsbiggerthanmakingafacepretty #undiscovered_muas #828isgreat #joywarrior #hopedealer #beautyslinger #pretendmodel #makeupbyleahhensonmilan #creativeweirdo #beabasicunicorn #becausewhynot @drinkcheerwine

4 of 6
Just drinking some #cheerwine down at the #laundromat
A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to pretend to be a #hometownmodel for @brooklynjamisonphoto
You should check her work out, she is an amazingly talented photographer! I had so much fun!
#itsbiggerthanmakingafacepretty #undiscovered_muas #828isgreat #joywarrior #hopedealer #beautyslinger #pretendmodel #makeupbyleahhensonmilan #creativeweirdo #beabasicunicorn #becausewhynot @drinkcheerwine

3 of 6
Just drinking some #cheerwine down at the #laundromat
A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to pretend to be a #hometownmodel for @brooklynjamisonphoto
You should check her work out, she is an amazingly talented photographer! I had so much fun!
#itsbiggerthanmakingafacepretty #undiscovered_muas #828isgreat #joywarrior #hopedealer #beautyslinger #pretendmodel #makeupbyleahhensonmilan #creativeweirdo #beabasicunicorn #becausewhynot @drinkcheerwine

2 of 6
Just drinking some #cheerwine down at the #laundromat
A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to pretend to be a #hometownmodel for @brooklynjamisonphoto
You should check her work out, she is an amazingly talented photographer! I had so much fun!
#itsbiggerthanmakingafacepretty #undiscovered_muas #828isgreat #joywarrior #hopedealer #beautyslinger #pretendmodel #makeupbyleahhensonmilan #creativeweirdo #beabasicunicorn #becausewhynot @drinkcheerwine

1 of 6
Just drinking some #cheerwine down at the #laundromat
A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to pretend to be a #hometownmodel for @brooklynjamisonphoto
You should check her work out, she is an amazingly talented photographer! I had so much fun!
#itsbiggerthanmakingafacepretty #undiscovered_muas #828isgreat #joywarrior #hopedealer #beautyslinger #pretendmodel #makeupbyleahhensonmilan #creativeweirdo #beabasicunicorn #becausewhynot @drinkcheerwine

Bardie took this picture the day before we left. It was my last letterboard in CA. It shows our beautiful view outside our tiny hotel room. The palm trees, the pool. We spent time by that pool many days. The Cali sun is healing & not like home. Sitting by the pool at home can be so hot. And Cali’s isn’t so hot but dear Lord the wind kills my face. Both kills my face. That whole comfort zone thing w f💙ck face, always a problem. Both pools hold good company. The actual journey home & getting back to my self; finding where I fit, is a really different kind of journey. I’m coming back from a month away. I lived in a bubble of being mothered & finding safety & comfort & an array of other feelings in that bubble. Our tiny hotel room became much more. In my home, my bubble popped. The mothering doesn’t stop. Those things don’t change. But now, I’m the Mom again. I’m a puzzle piece that got wet & expanded & I can’t fit the way I used to. I’m healing. I can’t do the way I was used to. And I want to heal properly so I walked the “fast forward button” right out to the trash when I got home. Healing my “self” from surgery is one part. Having Bardie explain to my family what I can & can’t do is another part. And yesterday, seeing & watching how they adapted & created new routines without me was another part. Maybe the hardest part. We’ve all been healing & readjusting & figuring life out for a month. We’ve all survived. That’s the most important part. I think the hardest part for me is watching it all & having to be still. My oldest cat found comfort in my lap immediately. My younger rescue found me in the middle of the night in the recliner. Soon after, they both shared me. This was new. I still couldn’t sleep except for small spurts at a time. My daughter remembered morning snuggles & this soothed my soul. My son came out to eat & retreated to his room again. Old normal. I let my feelings out in spurts yesterday. And I feel a shift, a push into my new normal I wasn’t ready for. A skip over my feelings. A pretend they aren’t there. A let go. And I’m full. I lost my actual voice. And I lost my old voice. #Joywarrior #thissideofjoy #andsoichoosejoy #nosugarcoating

In all of my years in recovery or recovering my life, I’ve always said that it’s a process and not an event. What I wouldn’t give for the straight line EVERY. Single. Time. Right? My friend, @jennyderr , posed that question- “isn’t recovery from anything hard?” I gave a resounding YES at my phone. I kept going over the recovery/relapse cycle with my anorexia for 23 years. That was a five-star shit show. Dear Lord. I wanted to quit so many many times. And yet. .
And now, I don’t want the process of the recovery of this brain surgery. I want the event. I want to skip all of the pain and agony of the process of healing over several months and skip to the results. I want any part of my familiar self back that feels remotely comfortable in this body. And yet.
The flight home felt like torture. I kept thinking of all of the other worsts of my life and wishing for them over the plane. Didn’t serve me well. And yet.
And later today, I will reunite with my hubby & kids. And I feel so torn. I want the straight line of just being how we were. Of ME being how I was. Of me coming home better. I want the expectation. I want the strong me. And yet I have to allow my self the reality of being strong enough to be weak. I know this is the way of the Warrior. I know this is real life. And I am afraid. I think admitting- “Hi. My name is Rosemary & I am not my self right now. I have a lot of recovering to do from brain surgery. From the trauma of waking feeling so much worse than I imagined. From wondering if it will ever get better. Right now I can only look ahead 10-20 minutes at a time. That’s my reality. Please be patient with me.” I think maybe I should start there.
Recovery from anything is so full of struggle. And the only way I could ever manage doing it was by just doing the next right thing. My next right thing is coffee. And then maybe a shower. I do know we keep going. Looking for tiny spectacular moments. I do know that hugging my people will be a big one. I’m just a little scared. And that’s ok. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #recoverywarrior #warriorspirit #cominghome #vulnerability #realityvsexpectation #wekeepgoing #theartofhealing

Sometimes it’s the little things that bring me joy. My new biz cards arrived and I’m pretty psyched about them. Thank you @moo #morejoy #joywarrior

This was my last coffee out of my favorite mug I brought from home where I sat each morning at a table for two with Bardie. It’s hard to believe our month here has come to an end. And now the next phase of recovering from a 4-pack cranial nerve brain surgery continues at home. The journey continues over many months ahead. Thanks for hanging in there with us. Today we are turning another page. I love you. I love me. I love us. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #thissideofjoy #needmorecoffee #tablefortwo #headinghome #wekeepgoing #warriorspirit #grief #joyandpain #brainsurgery #raredisease #invisibleillness #theartofhealing #humansofjoy #thisismenow #mothersanddaughters #iloveus #recoverying

And this is what laundry baskets were really made for. This is the space I write to you from home. This is the space I wrote to you from here. And I spent a great deal of my restless, sleepless nights in this basket. .
In the beginning, I escaped to the laundry basket in my house to talk on the phone or write because I knew no one would come looking for me there. After my failed brain surgery in 2016, I escaped there to cry and just sit to catch my breath and to write. And I found comfort there. A place to be still. To be held. Most often to talk to Bardie even when no one else was home. .
One of the very first things we did upon our arrival was to walk across the street to Target and buy a laundry basket. All of you know, it’s my comfort zone. My space. With Bardie here, I didn’t need it as much and yet used it nonetheless. Because comfort zones. I don’t have many comfort zones because of my f💙ck face. .
Someone suggested to me that I leave this basket to a Sister here in Cali instead of just leaving it behind to anyone. It’s held my tears, my hope, my heart. All of you so often. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m passing it on. It served me well. By Saturday I will be back in my home, in my own laundry basket. My daughter has shown it to me on FaceTime a couple of times (I actually like this one better😐). Someday I have a feeling you’ll see me on @theellenshow sitting in a laundry basket side by side with Ellen. I need one that has a tray for my coffee and maybe room for a laptop so I can write a book. In the meantime, I love you. I love me. I love us. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #laundrybasket #comfortzones #brainsurgery #whileincali #targetstyle #huginabasket #ineedcoffee #ilovemytribe #passingiton #webelongtogether #leftfootrightfoot #chaptersoflife #reallifestory #raredisease #wekeepgoing #theartofhealing #choosingjoy #selflovejourney #daybyday #iloveus #thisismenow

This shirt says it all. It took a lot of believing in the next right thing and also having the courage to choose me again. I knew that coming to CA to have a 4th brain surgery with Dr. Mark Linskey could not fix the entirety of the pain in my face. The anesthesia dolorosa is irreversible (24/7 burning & crushing pain in the right side of my face, mouth, scalp, ear, etc., along with everything being numb). And my trigeminal nerve has been manipulated beyond repair.
As for the rest, the greatest thing my surgeon said to me was this, “The jury is still out. We aren’t in a place to assess how much repair was done. When you come back in 3 months & my nerves have calmed down, then we assess.” He’s the most compassionate and kindest doctor I have ever felt so honored to work with.
Right now, I am in the during of the after. Today is two weeks post op. And I am miserable. My surgery was complicated because of previous surgeries & because my nerves and arteries were a mess. He worked his magic on 5 of my cranial nerves and they are all extremely pissed off and all compounded with the anesthesia dolorosa. I’m struggling a great deal.
I have a lot of tears upon tears. And I also try my hardest to have no emotions at all because they hurt me. Smiling and trying to laugh with Bardie today at lunch sent me to tears because I’m just in so much pain with no relief and moving my face at all is so hard. The vibration of my own voice kills my ear. And I feel so tired. And she keeps loving me through. I have a great deal of recovering to do in the months ahead at home. There’s no way around it but through it. It’s always worse before it’s better. Time feels like a four letter word.
First the pain. Then the rising. Before any rising, there’s choosing joy horizontally. There’s many tears. An unlimited supply of f💙cks. And in the midst of it all, I still hold a great deal of hope in my pockets. And I’m collecting so many tiny spectacular moments. This is the art of healing. #Joywarrior #thissideofjoy #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #shebelievedshecouldsoshedid #andyet #forthelove #raredisease #brainsurgery #wekeepgoing #warriorspirit #badass #theartofhealing #daybyday #sacredself

I am also grateful for gently copy editing 😂 this makes more sense without the typo

I’m so behind on writing about so many of the tiny spectacular moments that have happened while I’ve been here in CA. A huge God Wink was this past Sunday night when Bardie and I got to meet and hug and live in a moment with T from @naturalnavigator She is a Sister in this beautiful tribe of ours who sent me the smooth rocks from the beach for me to paint and then bring back here to leave all over the campus at UCI Medical. I call the rocks we leave “Love Letters”. In a sense, that’s what they are. T is such an amazing Light and beautiful soul. And the JOY love letters she painted and brought to me felt like magic in all of this mess. Painting these stones and leaving them for someone to find or just passing them onto someone in a moment they look like they need a smile or to be seen is such a small act of random kindness but kindness nonetheless. Painting calms me. It’s a way she’s taught me to choose Joy, feel joy and then spread joy. We are all in this TOGETHER. We always, all ways have been. I love you. I love me. I love us. .
P.S. And yes. My t-shirt says, “Nevertheless She Persisted”. And I am going to keep persisting. Because that’s what we do. We keep going. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #gratitude #ilovemytribe #myheartissofull #godwink #paintedrocks #sisterhoods #webelongtoeachother #magicalmoments #healingmoments #brainsurgery #randomactsofkindness #loveletters #iloveus #neverthelessshepersisted #wekeepgoing

That’s me, The Joy Warrior. The 76, the year I was born. I am doing one of the things I loved doing over this month here in CA. I was making a grilled cheese for Bardie (to you), Mommy (to me). Our kitchenette came without a skillet so I decided I would make them in a pot. It’s a different kind of cooking with joy. I was never much on the cooking thing when I was in my 23 year love affair with anorexia. I passed. And then as I was recovering my life and making life-giving choices instead of life-taking choices, I became a mid-life cook. I actually discovered that I loved cooking. I came up with my own recipes. I pinned the shit out of recipes I will never ever never make. And yet, grilled cheese are my very favorite thing to make. Until this trip, I had never really cooked for Bardie. Having it be just the two of us, I got to. There are so many countless ways she keeps showing up for me that this was one of my very favorite ways to show up for her. I got to make what I love to make the most for someone I love with all my heart. Small acts, big LOVE. In this little suite of ours, big LOVE was here all the time. And this suite has been full of angst, grief, sadness, despair, so many tears, fucks; raw brutal vulnerability. From me. AND, intertwined through it all, were tiny spectacular moments. Laughter. Grace. Hope. Hugs. Breathing. Big LOVE. A table for two. And a Little Girl who loved making grilled cheese sandwiches cut in two with a cutie for her Mommy. One of my favorite tiny spectacular moments that happened a few times and filled my heart with greater Joy. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truth #tinyspectacularmoments #smallactsoflove #biglove #atablefortwo #gratitude #myheartissofull #thekeeperofmyheart #graceupongrace #iloveus #grilledcheese #breathinglife #brainsurgery #wekeepgoing #choosejoy

Good luck to all those in the North East area dealing with the tornedo aftermath. Power is out here but fortunately no damage. Today is a day of quiet reflection, coloring, reading (and dot painting of course!) With minimal screen time to save of emergency battery. It can be difficult to be alone in the silence of ones own thoughts, and a shame that a disaster has to bring us to this practice. Peace love and luck to all!

#Repost @thejoywarrior
・・・
So. Today was my last trip to our Target across the street here in CA. That was sad. My laundry basket and I are going home. @theellenshow is still on the fence, I think, about bringing me to the show to talk about my rare diseases and the brain surgery I had by my world class neurosurgeon at UCI. Or maybe she’s waiting til I come back in August when I have healed more. Or I don’t need to talk at all. I could just sit in the audience and dance when it’s appropriate. Maybe she will hear our plea if you tag her in the comments. .
@theellenshow - I am Rosemary. And I fought for my self to get here after 3 failed brain surgeries. I am a Joy Warrior. I never gave up. And I never stopped choosing Joy or fighting for or spreading it because I believe it’s my saving grace and a lifeline to others. I fly out on Friday to go home & continue my recovery. But I will be back in August for a follow up with my world class surgeon Dr. Mark Linskey and with my GoFundMe I can get my self here and you wouldn’t even have to pay for my plane ticket. I’m a cheap date. It’s a win win. My trigeminal, glossopharyngeal, genticulate neuralgias are so rare, my anesthesia dolorosa even more rare. And we are documented as having the most painful disease to mankind. Our disease is known as the suicide disease- 26-50% of us end their pain this way because life is unbearable in this pain. I exist in pain. I live by choosing joy. You are the kind Warrior and I am the Joy Warrior. I think we just might be good friends. Choose Joy. Feel Joy. Spread Joy! #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #warriorspirit #forthelove #choosejoy #iloveus

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