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#joywarrior

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Recalibrating joy.
#joywarrior

I've been quiet doing just this. Starting in Nov. of 2013, I began the process of fixing my smile. I had chosen to finally get veneers on 7 of my front top teeth. I had a dead tooth that forever made me feel ashamed of my smile. And I had so much to be smiling about- almost my first full year of recovery was coming up. Choosing joy was in my bones. Life was good-ish.
Many mistakes were made. Nerves were left exposed. Five months past w agony & my dentist making me feel like a pain in the ass. A 2nd opinion revealing finally that things were horribly f😩cked. Second opinion had to file down & remove Dr. KillJoy's work. It was an excruciating process. Five hour appointments. The whole ordeal lasted almost 9 months. Finally a beautiful smile. One month later, I was diagnosed w #trigeminalneuralgia & the most severe pain I had ever known. That was Sept. 2014. In Feb. 2015, I was having my first brain surgery.
I made up my mind that I would never ever never go to the dentist again. I couldn't. I wouldn't.
Last week, I started having severe pain in 1 of my top molars on my feeling side. And as I raised my hand for help, I was terrified. I had also been up for several nights & was drowning in fbombs.
Three years out of a dental chair, I no longer had a dentist. And I had zero clue where to begin. Fear makes things feel so much worse. And the thought of anyone touching my mouth at all made me sick. I don't think I've even written to you that I cannot even bear kissing my hubby anymore. Looming over me was fear. Filling up all of the extra spaces in my body was fear.
Enter my mother-in-love. A.K.A- Mommy, in-case-of-emergency, my person. You get it. Father-in-love insisted his dentist was our go-to. He was exactly right. And @mama2macnmav had sent Angels.
Fear has always, all ways, trumped all of the things. And yet, joy & God & Angels & in-loves & 3 ladies in a dentist office trumped fear. And yesterday, I had surgery to remove a tooth. I'm sleeping a lot w meds bc it's too much pain to be awake for. My mouth & God's masterpiece are not in alignment. No tooth fairy came. Most importantly, 3 years later, I trumped fear. I did it anyway. #Joywarrior

Holding Florida in my heart tightly. And not letting Texas go. Wrapping both in prayers. #Joywarrior #Irma #Harvey #prayers #forthelove

This was posted by @glennondoyle yesterday. I felt like it was Christmas in July. My mother-in-love and I are going to see her in Nashville in October. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! .
Please tell me some of this tribe will be going to this in Nashville too. I want to meet you and hug you and be so excited about it for a few months. .
She's going to be so fabulous and the love Warriors with her are to die for too. Stories that brutiful and awe inspiring. I hope to see you there. #Joywarrior

How do you make #therapydogthursday at the rehab hospital even better? Bring a squeaky tennis ball so that patients and Lila can have a little fun playing fetch! #workthosearms #divinecanines #therapydog #joywarrior

Full day, full heart. Joy and pain dancing together. Showing up during the during. Because, #thisonelife. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy

Clean & sober is badass. Anorexia-recovering-ish is badass too. (I put the ish on bc every meal is a choice for me. It will always be hard.) My first addiction was anorexia. Starving & abusing laxatives. And in time, exercise joined them. Drinking was more social when I had friends to go out with. And it was obnoxious how much my body could consume given the circumstances. And then it was to take me out of my misery. Literally. That was for a short time but still a time. And I had it in me to keep it in me.
Everybody knew about the eating disorder. I was always on all the prayer lists. No one ever "knew" about the eating disorder. And I was grateful for the prayers. And I was embarrassed too. No one ever talked to my family about it while I was away. Or brought them soup. I was gone & then I was home. And then I relapsed. It's hard to stay better in the same environment you got sick in.
When I stopped drinking, it was so private bc the drinking was so private. Withdrawal felt like a slow death. I pretended to drink like I had pretended to eat. It is so hard to go it alone. I was too ashamed to admit I was trying to re-feed yet again AND now I had a second addiction. AND I had stopped all meds at the same time. It all should have been done in a hospital. I don't know how I survived. My therapist said no one should ever go it alone w one addiction, let alone 3. Shame kept me silent.
Now, it's okay. To talk about it. Here. In this place. We tell our stories. We share our truth. Shame is suffocated. And so many people are recovering bc there is a community to do it in. There are voices who invite other voices. And courage builds & spills over to real life. It's a beautiful ripple. I've been talking about it openly for quite some time now. It keeps me accountable. But more so bc I fought so damn hard for my own life. I promised others but more importantly, I promised my self.
In my real life, no one talks about addictions or having any. They are real for me. I talk about it. People are fascinated. I wear my courage proudly. I hope you can to, Darlin. It's badass. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller #badass #warrior

1 wooden folding table, gorgeous handmade Indian paper and a bottle of matte #modpodge. I'm going to decoupage this table, you guys...I've been wanting to do this for a while ♡ #followyourjoy #joywarrior #joyseeker #itsthelittlethings

MOST RECENT

Recalibrating joy.
#joywarrior

I was just saying last night how I use insta to get inspired: to run; to hike; to go to yoga; to be nicer to myself. And the foodies who share recipes, you guys are game changers to this girl with a #tendertummy Thanks! #Repost @thejoywarrior (@get_repost)
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If it's 1 or 10,000 people you reach, keep speaking your truth. You are loved and you are needed. Your truth is valuable. .
Thank you @theangrytherapist .
#Joywarrior #runners #paleo #trailrunner #whatifirunwithyou #anxiety #insipired #gratitude

Last night was football night with our guy. He was one of the team captains last night. Always an honor. Their team won 52-0 and it was still so exciting. And me and my mother-in-love silently rooted for the other team to score at least once.
Big things happened for my son who is a lineman- left offensive and defensive tackle. He gets the job done. Assists and taking down who he should. Last night though, he got to be a running back the last play of the game. He almost scored but had no blockers. Just to have that ball in his hands was such a huge big major deal. And to see it in his eyes and in his face, priceless. He had been pushing to do this since last year. They said it would never happen. And yet...
He's my football guy. We are his football people. Rooting him on. Rooting his team on. We're a football family and he's our #74. He's on his way and we are following him wherever he goes! #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #footballlife #lineman #footballmom #footballgoals #footballfamily #hesmyguy #familylife #reallife #thursdaynights #pricelessmoment #iloveus #gingerbaby #neversaynever #andyet

This is my truth. Even when I'm talking to my self. I try to focus but brain fog got me like...wait. What was I saying? #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller #brainfog #antiseizuremeds #waitwhat #icanteven #whatthe #thissideofjoy #humansofjoy #keepgoing #weareokay #invisibleillness #chronicillness #itstricky #iloveus

Today was a full, gracious, wonderful day. I am *loving* #paintingthefeminine , it's authentic, brilliant and juicy. And can I just say that I adore #conniesolera ?? There was a conference call yesterday and she is a beautiful bubbling spirit and I'm seriously crushing on her ♡ I'm fully acknowledging and appreciating the flow I've been graced with these days. It's been a lot of lonely and difficult work (journaling, healing, processing difficult complicated layers of abuse) to get to this place where I can recognize the ease. Grateful and my heart is overflowing. #notesfromthejourney #beyourownbeloved #selfcarematters #followyourjoy #joywarrior

A few months ago I went through a major cleansing spell and got rid of boxes of stuff. Things I didn't use anymore, had outgrown...Tara's toys and clothes...on and on. And sure enough, as is always the case, I'm now seeing that being reflected in my internal world. Many years ago I was so out of touch with mysef, I wouldn't have even recognized it...but not anymore!!! Because I'm in tune with mySELF, aware and present to my internal landscape ...I can feel the lightness. I'm making room for new and different and it feels so amazing!!! Not in an over the top kind of way but in a wonderful joyful kind of way. Soft and loving; accepting and compassionate...full of kindness. Letting go of stuff I didn't need in the external world somehow paved the way for me throwing off excess baggage in my internal world. #notesfromthejourney #beyourownbeloved #lightnessofbeing #joywarrior #selfcarematters

It's a Tuesday that feels like a Monday. Sneaky Tuesday. Don't flip out about it like Scarlett 😉#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #tuesdayvibes #dontflipout #keepgoing #yougotthis #choosejoy #grace #thatsmygirl

"the old life.
is an old life.
one you have already lived.
one you do not have to keep on living.
you are too wondrous.
for one life." #nayyirahwaheed #mixedmedia #mixedmediaart #experimentsinmixedmedia #artjournal #artjournalmagic #colorstory #colormagic #colorlove #sorayanulliah #sorayanulliahart #followyourjoy #joywarrior

Meredith, Christina and I at volleyball practice. I sit and eat with my twisted sisters. Scarlett works her butt off at volleyball practice. She's all sweaty and NEEDING water and out of breath. I'm just chill. Balance. 😉 #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #momlife #parentinghumor #volleyballlife #mothersanddaughters #tuesdaynights #thatsmygirl #meredithgrey #christinayang #feedingtube #invisibleillness #thisisus #beloved #grace #iloveus #balance #justchill #breath #bebravebeyou

Ellen is doing this thing posting pics of your self- #ellen15 and maybe she'd show it on her show next week kicking off season 15. I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff.
This was a crucial year for me. My parents marriage came to a critical point. We switched from being Catholic to Baptist suddenly. I became the adult in the house. I also started dating the guy that would turn into my husband. My brother two years older than me went to boarding school and came home at Christmas w cancer of the saliva gland. And my oldest brother got married. It was also the beginning of my anorexia. Strange huh?
It was the beginning of conditioning my body to survive on very little. It didn't take long. I had already conditioned my self to give up my needs and wants in various other ways. And as I got smaller and smaller I gained so much praise. I was no longer teased, humiliated. Though in this picture I weighed only 122 lbs. And as I quickly dropped it, my life on the outside changed. But on the inside, nothing changed at all.
It's so strange that Ellen would request this hashtag to this age today. I spent time talking about this Rosemary to my mother-in-love today. Maybe she needed more of my attention. Maybe my love. Maybe for me to tell her she was beautiful and more than enough. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truth #weareenough #waybackthen #littlegirl #1992 #iloveus #bebravebeyou #praise #humiliation #beautiful #tipoftheiceberg #worthy #belonging #shameless #itsokay #recoveryispossible #edrecovery

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