#joywarrior

MOST RECENT

“Quit being so hard on my SELF.” I heard this from two people I love this week. I say, “I’m sorry,” a lot. I feel sorry a lot. I feel like “a lot” a lot. .
Survival to me throughout my life looked like being hard on my self. I was so used to doing things and going through things alone that being hard on my self got me through them. And now, this is another thing to undo. Admittedly, maybe I am too hard.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Change is so hard. I am stubborn (and maybe scared). - a poem by me
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#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truth #dontbeaohardonyourself #changeishard #badpoetry #sostubborn #imsorry #rosesarered #honesty #vulnerability

But God. My two favorite words. Most times I struggle and shake my fists and throw up my “WTF?” prayers (He knows these prayers...what they mean. The surrender behind them.) And He reveals Himself to me in the oddest ways. I’m hurting and He’s like, “I’m right here. Been here. Nope, here’s your towel. Turn the page. Your story is not over”. He annoys me. And yet. So the story goes, I turn the page of this wipe out shit storm and right there at the top it reads, “But God...”. I don’t know anything else on the page. I’m not done with today. I turned the page out of impatience and frustration and He is kind of a pusher sometimes. Tomorrow begins with, “But God”. .
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller #graceful #surrender #graceupongrace #beloved #butgod #turnthepage #recoverywarrior #warriorspirit #grief #joyandpain #brainsurgery #recoveryjourney #theartofhealing #wekeepgoing #togetherwerise #firstthepainthentherising #iloveus#invisibleillness#chronicpainwarrior#tothineowselfvetrue#soberliving#anorexiarecovering#fiercewomen#depression#anxietywarrior#thisismenow

These boys... they play hard, they snuggle hard... We spend our days telling them to play nice and to keep their hands to themselves, but all the exhaustion and repeating ourselves is worth it for moments like this, where two precious little boys cuddle up together and fall asleep... #preciousboys .
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#joywarrior #beautyslinger #hopedealer #cuteboy #828isgreat #promisesfulfilled #adoptionrocks #dailydoseofcaid #dailydoseofcanaan #momsbeatingcancer

Yesterday was my 7 weeks post op. I was trying all day and doing. There were tiny spectaculars AND I was also feeling exactly where I was 7 weeks out. .
It’s so very important to honor honestly where we are at in ANY recovery you are in. Mine is from brain surgery and it’s highs & lows. And I’m so very fortunate to be loved through on all the days- the messiest, the most wonderful, the buying of Wand(a)- (we have a real-ationshio to build). She’s adorable and yet. Day by day with her. Day by day with us. .
Maybe I will never fully be okay. Maybe I will. I can’t look that far ahead. I need company right here. I am here. I’m in the “trying”. I’m in the “doing the best I can” with ugly reality too. I’m some days just breathing my way through. .
No matter how things go, WE do get better. I’ve gotten more vulnerable, better at reaching (and not), known the grace of falling, being flat in the valley, and crawling, asking for help in so many varying ways, and trying so hard. Grace. Shaking fists. Being held. Letting go. Holding on. God has so much patience with me. So do the ones who wrap their arms so tightly around me. So do you with your words. I’m a “flip flopper”. I can hold this. I can’t hold all of this everyday. I can’t. And that’s ok. I have to choose Joy a different way. .
And to anyone who reads these words and needed reminding; Congratulations, you made it here today. You made it. WE made it. I love all of us. .
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller #wekeepgoing #recoverywarrior #soberliving #tothineownselfbetrue #warriorspirit #andyet #uglycries #choosejoy #joyandpain #evenifyourvoiceshakes #iamtrying #raredisease #chronicillness #invisibleillness #graceupongrace #vulnerability #lettinggo #realityvsexpectation #ilovemytribe #ilovemymommy #brainsurgery #postop #inthewaitingroom

I’m hating on spell check and SMH I didn’t catch it. What is selfis? So I’m chugging the coffee. I took the selfie. I totally forgot to look descent. My cup says, “I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an “adorable badass” I’m going to be today. And this I can assure is already happening. .
I love you. I love me. I love us. Chug young your coffee. Realize YOU ARE AN ADORABLE BADASS, take your selfie. (Tag me if you want so I can see my badass SISTERS!) Happy Thursday & selfie day. I’m going to take a descent one later😉 #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #selfieday #chugcoffee #needcoffee #adorablebadass #sisterhood #lovemytribe #happythusday #iloveus #todolist

I wanted to wait til I had the Wand of the Warrior in hand to write about. I want to start under the Joy sign made by a coworker of my Hubby’s to put it together- The sign says JOY and I am the Warrior. And sometimes Warriors need a little extra help. .
On Monday when Bardie and I had the discussion about the need for a pronged cane, I was not at all on board. It felt like One. More. Thing. My meds are making me so wonky. I have fallen so many times. By the grace of God I have not broken anything. My balance is off. We joke and say the walls keep moving. It was funny in the beginning. And then it ceased to be funny as it hurt more and more. And I know and Bardie knows it’s only a matter of time before I break something. Before I hit my head again and it’s unfavorable. .
I had my tears. I needed my day to fall apart on Monday. And then two falls yesterday. Many more f😫cks and ohmyhells. Walls jumping out at me. And I settled as I waited for Wanda to be delivered. .
Today she came. And Monday I had decided to call her The Wand of the Warrior. Another “life-giving”part of the journey of healing. Sharing her is taking the shame out for me. And maybe I will find some others in this badass tribe who will also be carrying these wands. They are magic, you know. For now, I hope Wanda will just be helping me around my house where I struggle the most. I take my meds on schedule here. Going out, I could not function properly if I did so so. Self care is limited. Hence another reason I am a hostage to my home. .
So this is Wanda, my Wand of the Joy Warrior. She joins Meredith, my feeding tube, as another lifesaver. A necessary part of living with rare and invisible diseases. And life after brain surgery. We can do hard things. I am doing them. You can too, Darlin. I love you. I love me. I love us. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #walkingstick #wandofthewarrior #badassery #lifegiving #warriorspirit #shameless #reallifestory #vulnerability #raredisease #invisibleillness #grief #joyandpain #showingup #choosejoy #daybyday #theartofhealing #wanda #wekeepgoing #sacredselflove #steppingup #steppingout #itsoktonotbeok #loveyourtribe #spoonie #anextentionofme #courage

I’m getting a daily reminder that is so very needed. We forget so often how important it is. So, my new friend Big Syd and I are reminding you too. He is such a gift of joy. I urge you to #GetMonked by our beloved Sister @thesuburbanmonk !! She has loved me out loud through this journey. When I left for CA, she sent my kids and Baby Syds to keep us connected. And now, I get this big joyful guy. We can’t look at him without smiling. He’s fitting right in just like our little Syd’s (mine I named Marbles and is the color of #trigeminalneuralgia awareness). .
This Big Syd is gold. Choosing Joy is golden. The moments I do are those tiny spectacular moments I talk about. I’m so grateful for my daily reminder towards more self love. It also pisses me off (that’s so very honest). .
And, @thesuburbanmonk - thank you for loving me. For sending Big Syd. We’ll all be seeing more of him. He’s truly golden as are you. .
This tribe is so golden. I’m so grateful for each of you and the ways you love and encourage and inspire on the daily. May I encourage you to please move towards more self love. Even when it’s so hard or uncomfortable. According to someone who loves me unconditionally, it’s what I need most to heal. I love you. I love me. I love us. I really do. .
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller #moreselflove #loveyourselfmore #warriorspirit #reallifestory #badasswomen #wecandohardthings #evenifyourvoiceshakes #recovering #brainsurgery #raredisease #invisibleillness #recoverywarrior #wekeepgoing #laughmore #choosejoy #humansofjoy #imrootingforyou #loveyourtribe #iloveus

This is true for all of us. Ohmyhell, I give it a big BOO! It helps if we comment on or share each other’s posts. So let’s make sure we see more of each other. I know I’m missing a great deal of people I follow and often have to look them up to catch up. Loving you. Loving us! Thanks @rebelthriver for sharing this bit of knowledge 💙 #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller #justsayyes #weneedeachother #togetherwecan #showingup #iloveus #ilovemytribe 💙

Two days in a row at the rehab hospital because we had an invite to walk with a special friend today. Spent over an hour there...and cried twice. Once after running into a patient and not even recognizing her due to the MASSIVE progress over two weeks. The second after being told that a patient spent the whole day on the phone telling her friends all about Lila after meeting her yesterday. ❤️ #joywarrior #weneedasmuchjoyaspossible #spreadjoy #andlove #therapydogs #pettherapy #divinecanines #atx

The real life stages of of an unfiltered selfie. Still working on it. Ohmyhell- get it together Rosemary. Left foot, right foot...wake up the kids and have one of them take the picture! Clearly I need to drink more coffee before attempting such a difficult task. .
Update on Meredith (my feeding tube). Change of plans. This time, my doctor said it would hurt like hell to do the outpatient procedure of getting a new tube🤔. Not at all how he explained it last time. So he ran a line down it to fix where the blockage was. It’s kind of like a bandaid. There is still a delay in getting the jevity to go through. I think it’s a matter of when and not if I need a replacement Meredith. Sooner rather than later. For now, I’m all kinds of happy I got to save my f💙cks & Ohmyhells for something else. That something else came right after and I will write about that tomorrow. Thank you in the meantime for every prayer and the love you sent my way. For the fucks & ohmyhells lifted in my honor. You guys are the best! I’m honored. 💙
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These selfies are just a reminder that you don’t have to have your shit together to show up here. Mine is messy and beautiful. The beautiful is tiny spectaculars. Moments of joy everlasting in the midst of unimaginable pain and grief. AND selfies that suck-ish. Maybe they are a work of art. Moments of a perfectly imperfect human showing up in the during of her worst. I love you. I love me. I love us! #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truth #unfiltered #selfiesession #perfectlyimperfect #feedingtube #painandgrief #momentsofjoy #tinyspectaculars #theartofhealing #badassery #wekeepgoing #gratitude #loveyourtribe #recovering #brainsurgery #raredisease #iloveus #intheduring #showingup #beinghuman

I like this version of me. She is authentic, confident and knows what she wants. Her life is not perfect but that’s okay...finding joy in the small things is her super power. #butterflyseason🦋 #joywarrior photos: @moonreflectionsphotography face: @beatbymo nails: @fashionsavvy714 Hair: @kelzcutz

Because what you see is what you get. Today, I don’t have my shit together. I’m anxious. Scared. Lots of feel-ish feelings. Some good, mostly eek-ish. I’m getting a new feeding tube this morning. It has stopped functioning properly. My doctor says it’s so easy. They just pull her out and shove another right back in the hole in my stomach right under my ribs. Um...has he had a feeding tube? Does it feel so easy? Because I’m like 🤭😫! And ohmyhell, surely swearing is permitted because I’m bringing my unlimited supply of f😫cks. So, wish me lunch or say some prayers or scream some fucks and ohmyhells! I love you. I love me. I love us! #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #reallife #letterboard #feedingtube #realaf #warriorspirit #badassery #wecandohardthings #allthefeels #wekeepgoing #ohmyhell #needcoffee #forthelove #

Addiction is a disease. A dis- ease some can never quite possibly understand. Every word of this is is so spot on. You can’t begin to know what it’s like in the mind of an addict to go through the day to day in the struggle hold onto recovery. The pressure and angst of a slip. When speaking of addiction or an addict, we are all the same. And we are usually deeply feeling people. The hurts run so deep. Addiction is a disease. I can’t say it enough. And I’m ok but some of aren’t. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #addistionisadisease #addiction #recovering #wekeepgoing #badassry #warriorspirit #tothineownselfbetrue #soberlife #theartofhealing #ilovemytribe #vulnerability #togetherwerise #addictionaquaticdevelopment #anorexiarecovering #betruetoyourself

Celebrating my Hubby and his dad on Father’s Day. My Hubby is the best dad I could imagine for our kiddos. To them, he IS the best. However, if he is making them clean their rooms or joining me in the battle of taking a shower, he is only okay-ish 😉. Either way, my favorite. .
And my father-in-love, words could never capture the love I feel for him. He has never treated me like an “in-law”. He’s only loved me like a daughter. And for this I give thanks. He’s an incredible man. One of God’s finest. I’m not the easiest to love. And yet. .
We are a pretty blessed bunch. My kids are so very blessed. And ohmyhell, we all know there’s a Bardie too. God’s showing off all over us. I like it! .
#Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truth #fathersday2018 #graceupongrace #beloved #godissogood #ohmyhell #makingmemories #agoodday #mypeople

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