TRIGGER WARNING❌❌❌‼️#TBT to a very broken part of me. The first broken picture was of my drinking w a forced feeding tube after I had been sexually assaulted in my home. The second of my after when I removed the tube my self bc I believed it made me weaker. An easy target. And the rest of me in treatment trying to make sense of it all in a place that told me it was my fault because I left their care too soon in December to be w my children. ALL of them represent mind fucks galore & a girl too scared of all the worlds she tried to live in. All the worlds she felt she did not fit in.
Fast forward to now. Why bring this up now? Today I learned after dealing w an issue w my kidney that I need to see my lady doctor like now. I’m 1.5 years overdue on my pap. Before that it had been upon entering treatment that July before I left in December to stop my lactating breasts. To wean me suddenly from breastfeeding my daughter. Nine years ago. It was all very traumatizing. No judgment please.
So now today, I learned I need to see the lady doctor & the lady doctor team was like, “Come in tomorrow”. Way to keep anxiety levels low. Part of me thinks, “I’m being so adult.” And part of me thinks, “F😩CK NO!” It stirs things up for me. It’s a trigger for me. It’s a PTSD thing for me.
There’s a choose Joy part of it AND there’s a scared shitless part of it. Ya know. And there’s a “What the f😐ck?” now part of it! So many thoughts & most lead me back to this piece of artwork. This girl/woman-ish part of me who felt completely broken. .
I don’t feel as broken but I do feel as scared/lost/anxious etc., as her. It’s my body & my parts & all senses of urgency when dealing w it provoke these things in me. I’m sitting in that room facing her in that small room of me. The conversation goes like this- “This is not then. I am here now. I am woke. No one is blaming/shaming you. Whatever will be, will be. I’m scared too. And I’ve got us.” I don’t feel completely confident. I HATE these visits (hence the putting them off). However, i must rescue her. She’s been waiting. I am waiting too.
I love you. I love me. I love us. #Joywarrior #andsoichoosejoy #thisonelife #truthteller