The past few weeks have taught me many things: perseverance, humility, resiliency, and strength; but most importantly they have taught me that there is a conversation that so often goes unspoken. Nine weeks and three days ago, we became pregnant; however, two weeks ago we began the process of losing the baby. Ultimately, I was taken to the hospital this past weekend and rushed into surgery to stop the excessive bleeding that started Saturday morning as a result of incomplete passage. Given even this, I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
In light of experiencing this loss for the second time, I am reminded that there is such an uncomfortableness in our culture to speak on this topic. People don't even announce they are pregnant until they get out of the first trimester "just in case". Why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to rejoice or, contrarily, suffer in silence during one of the most critical times support is needed? So often resources of information about what signs to look if something is wrong are lacking. I called early last week with a sign that something was wrong and told, "it's no big deal..." Could my experience in surgery have been avoided with more attentive care?
As we have been going through this process, I ran into people saying that they did not know what to say to me. From my personal experience, everyone's concern landed with me and found a place into my heart. Thank you. Some things served more than others and I want to shed light on how we can language this conversation to best support those who may also be going through a traumatic experience related to pregnancy.
1) "How are you feeling?" This came up often and every time I wanted to reply - I just lost a baby and all the possibility that comes with a baby, I feel like shit! An option that may have landed better - "WHAT are you feeling today?" It's such a slight difference but allows so much more room for expanding. (Finished in comments ⤵️)