Yesterday was a good day. I was up and feeling well for the first time in weeks. I got out if bed, cleaned up, even made dinner for my family. I laughed and made jokes. I felt some peace and was excited for the light at the end of the tunnel. I've been in a pretty heavy depressive episode for a few weeks now and it was nice to feel like it was finally over.
But today, I'm back to square one. I can't get out of bed and I've been in and out of panic attacks all morning. I tried to clean, but ended up putting all of my trash on the floor where I didn't have to look at it. I keep trying to make myself get up and get ready, I have so much to do today, but I can't. I just want to curl up in a ball.
I was told a few days ago that I look too happy to have depression, but depression looks different for everyone. My depression looks like trash all over my nightstand. Days worth of paper plates on my bed because I don't even have the strength to take them to the trash. It looks like my hair up in a greasy bun because who cares? It looks like my text message notifications getting bigger and bigger because I have too much anxiety to look at my phone. It looks like my mom checking on me because I haven't left my room in two days. And it looks like me posting a picture on Instagram where in smiling and happy in cosplay, so everyone thinks I'm ok.
Its ok to not be ok.