[part IV - epilogue]
Uhhh, so I’ve noticed I’m pretty king at growing right into deadass obvious-ass shit about myself. 🤡

I wonder what the next thing is gonna be...?
I’m currently preoccupied doing normal human shit. The meal I have heaped on my plate is as follows:
👀 Professional moves
🏎 Buying a 2018 new-ass car at the end of the year by being patient as fuck. By the way, why is being naturally patient also totally infuriating?? I get this comment all the time, for as long as I can remember a lá “Virgil you’re so patient!” *takes breath* To anyone who has ever said that to me in the history of forever: NO I AM NOT, I HAVE GOALS AND APPARENTLY I HAVE GNARLY SELF CONTROL COMPARED TO MOST OTHER PEOPLE. 🔥🧘🏾‍♂️🔥 Once financially primed, I gonna grand-slam it with a beastly down payment, and deal with almost angelic car payments.
🖤 Dog daddy tings
🌲 Always in the wilds, whenever and however I can.

I hope you are all well and finding your way(s).

[see parts I-III]

[part III of one more...]
I hate to romanticize coming out as trans as a boon of personal ascension— you just have no goddamn choice. At least to me. This is what it looks like: a watershed of relaxing the jaw. You are tasked with disarticulating assumptions and performance of such grand scale. The truth pries open your hand and you must drop pretenses. All of them.

I changed three days ago, forever. It’s going to take awhile to synthesize, but I took stock my growth arc for what it was.
I ‘make sense’ now.
Yet— I was like this, just waiting to be excavated.

I KNOW, this some Captain Obvious shit, right? 🤦🏾‍♂️ Sometimes it takes a long ass while for me to figure this shit out.

What REALLY irks me, is that men and masculine people have such a ridiculous, dysfunctional, comically narrow guide to follow in order to be accepted as whole; as exciting, virile, important, strong, smart (or some charade of these 😂)... It’s paradoxical how fragile and uncertain the portrait of masculinity hangs.

The INFJ temperament is so feminized, that it’s no wonder that my younger, maladaptive self was like “Naw, that ain’t me.” Since that is what is expected, the descriptions you find struggle to capture and accurately speak to the concept of a whole, masculine INFJ presence.

I really shouldn’t have to prattle on about how much happier and secure I feel, how much stronger, how much more power I wield in holding myself upright— now that I can use this epiphany to share, express and act upon my best instincts, impulses, gifts, and to identify, own, and give backbone to weaknesses so that they do not drag me down.

I want to see myself for who I am, not act as some fractured and fabricated shell-of-a-man who parrots life, looping through series of routines and shallow dead ends... maybe even alluring, fantastical ones... looking for signs that I’m doing something right when I will only ever find signs that I’m doing what is expected of me. I would likely live out a narrative that is not my own if I did that.

Well dammm son, THIS is what it is to be a little grown, huh.

[see part IV for epilogue...]

[part II...]
Minding my own business while hopping a late BART train home the other night, this loud, nagging voice ambushed my thoughts :

“How you THINK you process reality,
your thoughts,
your feelings...
those elemental facets of your being...
your own self reflexive record...
what you see in the mirror...
the very compass you rely upon to navigate your inner world and the world outside of you
with every waking moment...
YEAHHH you should revisit ALL of that.
That’s not really you,
and you fucking know it.”

🤯 But!!!! I’m 32! I’m going to be 33 in less than a month! How did I overlook myself? How!? This same thought has been staring me down, yeah you guessed it, over the last 2 years. Since I came out. Well, fuck.

To draw upon typology as a tool so that we can quickly get to the crux here, INFJ men are extremely rare. Ugh. While I quite love [almost] everything that I am, this is bollocks. Why? Because the already most-thinly populated ‘temperament’ is, essentially, an unviable expression of western, socially-condoned masculinity. It’s NOT okay to be a primarily intuition-driven, introverted, feelings-foremost man of deep conviction, creativity, and investment. It’s not. I tried to express my masculinity in ways that would be affirmed, not so much by others, but unto myself within my own private thoughts. I surmise other INFJ men have weathered similarly confusing waters— an INFJ man either accepts himself steadily over time, or he is at war with himself (and the world at large) until he lays the weapons down.

I fooled myself so completely into believing that my thinking ‘function’ was my dominant one. I have ground at that stone for years, worshipping that blade as if it was grail. I have done a fantastic job at chameleoning my through relationships and the rockiest of developmental spurts.

But... at the end of the day, there are things FAR more important, and much MORE real to me than centering my pre-frontal process around my rational apparatus.

What is different now is that I can step into my priorities and everything that makes me, with pride and security.

[see part III]

[Part I of several pieces...]
I had a tremendous paradigm shift three mornings ago. You could say, one of THE realizations of a lifetime. Stick with me here. There are several pieces to this post. I want you too to learn from it. It’s important. This is AS BIG as transitioning. In fact, it’s irrevocably tied to me coming out as a man.

You know about Jungian typology, right? Firstly, let’s get this out of the way; personality type theory is NOT be-all, end-all. It is a rudimentary tool for self and other understanding, and that’s just fine. Okay. Ready?

I am an INFJ.

Not an INTP.
Not an INTJ, as I first tested back in high school.

For my entire adult life, I thought I was an INTP. That was the lens I chose to affirm myself. What is true for this archetype is what I chose to align myself with, therefore, such a test would reflect this back upon me. It was a safe stepping stone.

WHAT. THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a wholly different grasp of myself until right now. This— this is off-script!! How the fuck did I do that!!? How the fuck did I pull that shit off!? 😨

So, what does all this mean? Why does this even matter? Who the fuck cares about these bullshit tests anyway??

No, I didn’t just take another quiz and it spat out a new answer. No, I didn’t necessarily walk around thinking, “I am an INTP person” until now. No no, it’s not like that at ALL. That’s not how I got here. Listen.

For those who know little to nothing about this subject, the REAL takeaway here is, the other day it dawned upon me that I have finally given myself permission to settle into
absolutely core,
character-defining qualities
that I previously didn’t know how to acknowledge, let alone integrate without concerted, albeit skillful compensation and avoidance. Out of anxiety, I drew upon a set of tertiary and shadow traits that complemented each other in a way I could idealize, and I throttled them to the best of my ability to compensate for what I was not yet ready for.

[see part II]

It's not loneliness but have urge to share my thoughts with someone who is curious to understand someone

#infj #infjproblems #infjpersonality #infjlife #infjdoorslam #infjman #infjboy #ingjreader #bookreading #tea #teaandbooks

The true face of a infj. The scariest truth is: we are survivalist. And we Will come out on top.
But the painful things, we don't want to. We are creatures of family, care and protection of those we love . But after we've sacrificed everything, realize we see that all in nature takes, thus how are you not an enemy. At our core we are wild free beast that must be tamed. But if you take us from our home and abanbandon us, be careful we've learned your ways.
We don't get betrayed. We plot. We are made to be cared for and to care. We are made to be slaughter and die for those we love. There is no inbetween, this is love not amusement.
#infj #infjman #wolf #darkwolf #thoughts #injflife #dontfuckwithus #dontpullonmuheart #family #thepack #packleader #deepheart #black-and-white #injfpersonality

Took a Myers-Briggs test and found out that I am less than 1% of the population. #weirdo #spoton #infjman

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