I've never been one to hide my feels. At times, it feels a curse and others, a blessing. So here goes IG fam:
I've been trekkin' out of the hefty throws of depression. I've been struggling with my worthiness in life, friendships and relationships. I've sat in the dark for hours, and I've cried for even more. I've questioned my path. I've sacrificed my health at times, and I've wondered what is right, what is wrong, what is real and what is false. I have blamed myself and struggled to forgive. I have writhed in physical pain from the pangs of my uncontrolled thoughts spinning out such a distance I don't remember where they began or even if they'll end and lost hours, days in the process. I've reached out for help. I've closed myself up. I've reached out for help again, and closed again. I take one breath at a time. I've been told to get over it, to feel it, to be with it, to control it, to take medicine, to reshape the story, to snap my fingers and make it a moment. Take years of clanging moments and snap their healing into one moment! I have screamed at myself for not being able to do this. I have read books upon books to snap out of it. But new, small insights sneak in every day that guide me to a deeper breath of fresh air each time. I am learning to honor my own, though slow journey without adhering to it the opinions of others. I once sacrificed myself, devalued myself. I know very well my role in this. I seek not your pity, affirmation, sympathy or empathy. I am actively working to rewire my thoughts now because I chose to disrespect my own personal boundaries. I am not perfect. I am walking, waking, collective experiences that I either allow to belittle me or make my light brighter. It's a choice. And I choose light, but guess what? It's not always a quick process. So, don't be so heavy on yourself tonight and by golly damn, DO NOT sacrifice your boundaries for anyone. Maybe you can relate right now. You're not alone, and you are loved. I'm with you in the dark, and I'm with you in the light. It's NOT always light, don't let me fool you with my rainbow sunshine butterflies! I like those too, but I'm learning to find comfort in the throes of darkness too.