S O L I T U D E
It’s a blessing & a curse sometimes...
During my cancer treatment I’ve spent a lot of time on my own, at home, in chemotherapy, in hospital, even just day to day shopping. On occasion I needed to just be alone, for example during chemo when I had to wear the cold cap, I just had to huddle up & not talk to anyone to even cope with the freezing temperature of my head. On the first days of recovery after chemo when I felt so terrible that I couldn’t bare to talk to anyone at times.
Then there were other times, when I desperately needed someone to talk to, company just to keep my mind from playing tricks on me, fearing I might die, fearing the cancer spreading, feeling every ache & pain & trying not to be paranoid. On those days, solitude was the devil on my shoulder.
Today, 3 years, almost 4 years on I still feel the same. Some days I crave alone time because the fears never go away and I don’t wish to burden my loved ones with them, so I retreat, try to get my head together & come back stronger again. I don’t really want to be alone with my fears but I also know that I have to be because I don’t want to inflict those fears on my family or friends. It’s so difficult to explain but that’s probably also why I love & crave the gym so much... it’s not the physical aspect so much, although that helps to keep the fear of weakening away, it’s the mental aspect of alone time & keeping my mind strong.
Sitting here a few days ago, looking at this gorgeous beach alone, I reflected on how far I’ve come, took a lot of deep breaths, wished I had a book to read, then got back in the car to return home, return to the gym, return to routine & keep looking for the shimmer in life. It’s all I can do 💗
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