i write to you with swollen eyes and a tired body.
today i did one of the hardest things i've done in a long time.
i used the number i've been holding on to for a matter of weeks, given to me by a good friend, and made an appointment to see a therapist and a psychiatrist.
i can't begin to describe the self loathing and bitter bitter anger that i feel.
a mental health professional of 7 years.
i should know better.
i tell my clients all the things everyone has told me.
"this doesn't define you. medication is part of the process. this will help you! i'm proud of you. compliance is the key to growing beyond this. a diagnosis isn't a death sentence."
but all i can think is this:
i don't want this body.
i don't want this brain.
rotten meat human.
curdled milk thoughts.
haven't i worked hard enough?
aren't i a decent loving human?
like a woman incapable of bearing children, i look to my reflection with disgust and disdain, "why? why body are you incapable of doing this basic human thing? happiness. emotional regularity. why don't you want me in here?"
a million baseball bats to the face, to the heart.
kick me to the ground, broken down spirit.
i don't want to have to accept this.
i don't want this to be my story.
i don't want to be here.
i want to be gone. // 📷: @anthonyamadeo // #gay #instagay #gaystagram #NYCGay #gayfit #gayfitness #malebody #gayman #gaybeard #beardedgay #gayguy #gayman #gaymen #gaylife #igays #homo #queer #gayboys #gaymuscle #gayjock #queer #homosexual #gay #gayhunk #gaycute #gaylatino #gaylife