#medical #hospitals #cw #ifyouneedit . .
Honestly one of the most frustrating things about actually having mental illness and then developing physical illness is going from wanting to die, wanting to die, having day dreams about dying. To now I often feel like I'm desperately trying to live, trying to function, I have people who care about me and who need me. And NOW? Now I'm "just anxious". Now it's all in my head. Now despite having other diagnosed physical illnesses and ten years of hospital trips, stints of being bed ridden, not being able to go and do anything I want to go and do-- now it's my mental health. When I was a kid and covered in wounds it wasn't an issue. When I wasn't eating for a year it wasn't an issue. When I couldn't leave my room because of hallucinations or crippling self loathing it wasn't an issue. There was no need for hospitalization, I at one point had a counsellor be told by a doctor to ignore me (literally I have it in writing lmao). And yet now when I repeatedly lose consciousness for no reason, I have radical changes to my gait, I'll sleep for 16 hours straight to struggling getting 4. I'm in pain, I shake and have convulsions, so much stuff on top of some diagnosed things. But now? Now it's anxiety. As if I didn't spend ten years in therapy so I would know what's up.
Sorry for the rant but I know a lot of people deal with this and so much worse and I know how isolating it can be. If you ever wanna rant and feel like no one else gets it, hmu.