"Doc, why do i have to be subjected to restricted movement? "
"In regular circumstances, you'd have been placed under special surveillance in the hospital. "
In 2011, i had this very pretty, smart neighbour who'd get sad for "no real reason". I'd call her crazy, because I really didn't understand.....until 2012 when the mood swings became longer than usual, then the anxiety fits found their way in. By late 2014, the dark clouds had formed a full, thick ring around the walls of my mind. .
In the last 28 months, I have changed jobs on three different occasions (I quit my job at a first generation bank last October), I've seen people who love(d) me walk away because they couldn't break through the pitch black, I've seen friendships strained because I could not mentally process appropriate responses when they reached out, I've been unable to follow through on opportunities because I'm an idea hub one moment and mentally arid the next. It's easy to say "speak up, reach out"........but acting it out is a different matter entirely. Have you ever been referred to as "unstable" by a crush, repeatedly ? Have you ever been blown off when you tried to open up about the Sunday night jitters and the 2.37am restlessness ? Have you ever spilled your guts to someone and next thing you heard was "see, let me call you back" on multiple occasions ? .
I've since turned myself in for therapy, and doses of antidepressants. Will the dark cloak be shed off ? Time will tell....but I've decided not to try too hard to be likeable, or sane, or even try to fit into conventional definitions of maturity. I've decided to save my voice only for those who'll listen, and not to bother stressing my thumbs and battery for the ones who wont appreciate texts. Who says i can't decide to switch off the phone when I want, or decide to just be alone with my thoughts ? I'll be unsure, I'll be anxious, but I won't 'sign out' without at least getting around to being friends with myself. #iloveme #ilovemeselfie #zerosuicide #iammentallyaware .
(I nominate @philixekayne , @dejiburner , @the_falconx & @laydi_eme to take on the #ilovemeselfie challenge, making a post on self-love with the hashtags above)