We are each the heroes of our own story, whether we are able to see it or not.
Having grown up without my biological father, I spent many years or my life idealizing him as my redeemer. The one who would one day save me from my own inner turmoil and pain.
I was loved deeply by my mother and stepdad, but the hole in my heart as to why he left and didn't turn back, was like an abyss. No amount of love, could fill what I was seeking. I wanted to be wanted. Yet I felt abandoned.
I played this pattern out unconsciously for years, choosing men who like my father, were emotionally unavailable and deeply hurt.
I sought to fix them, make them whole, and then they could love me. Then they could fill the heart of that abandoned little girl. Yet I couldn't heal them, I could only heal myself.
It took many painful journeys down this path, to find that I was only projecting my pain outward onto them.
My desire to heal them, was only a deeper desire to be healed myself. The broken one here was me and I didn't want to face that.
I didn't want to face that hurt, angry and fearful little girl inside who I had banished so long ago.
It took a culmination of losing some of the most significant relationships in my life, to finally break down the wall I had built around my heart.
One day I found myself, broken, sobbing on the floor. Praying to God and the spirit of my passed grandfather to guide me to peace.
And then this indescribable grace entered my heart. A calm surrounded me and a space was created for the little girl, to finally be heard, acknowledged and loved within me.
This was the beginning of my path of grace inwards. All the grasping outward began to gently fall away.
I began to just be present with myself in all my pain and my joy. I began to realize that I never needed my father to redeem me.
For within me was the holy grail, the place where all answers resided, where all truth rested, where all love held its place.
I realized that within me was the pure, essence of love.
And so my heart overflowed with love and the world danced in this recognition.
I had taken the journey to the heart and I had found my love there.
#love #spirituality #bepresent