When people ask me, "how are you so happy and positive all the time?" Here's the truth, I'm not.
I'm really not.
I've had a long lasting relationship with depression all my life. For as long as I can remember. I have gotten better but I do occasionally have an affair with it. Which has its grave repercussions. And that's my dirty little secret.
I have felt sadness and loneliness in the deepest parts of my soul unable to function. Most times unable to breathe.
I never wanted to end my life (even though most times I came so close to it) but I just wanted a pause button. To halt, to just, be able to breathe again... ...So you put on a face that you're happy because society doesn't know what to do with the unhappy. Because everyone believes it's a disease including yourself. Because then there must be something wrong with you.
YOU find it so difficult to get up in the morning. YOU find it so difficult to fall a sleep. YOU can't stop listening to the negative voices in your head. YOU feel like you can never be loved. YOU find the suicidal thoughts jarring. YOU feel like you are a burden. YOU feel no one understands. YOU feel life is pointless and existentialism hits in. YOU feel worthless. YOU what to harm your self. YOU feel ugly. YOU can't look at yourself in the mirror. YOU feel incapable. YOU feel dejected....
People often ask me "but how can you tell someone is hurting?"
"I just pay attention.'' I reply.
I guess it's easier because I know what it feels like when people don't pay attention, I know what it feels like to not be heard. I know what it feels like to be scared to share. I know what it feels like to lie in your own pool of blood resenting yourself. I know that cutting yourself will do you more harm than release you of any pain. I know pain has always been a best friend but it has always taught me a lot. It's taught me to be more sensitive to people.
So for whatever time I have, I listen. Otherwise the remaining time I become a spazz, I become a weirdo and I unleash my 'crazy' person so that people can laugh and maybe feel better about their lives even if it's for a fraction of a second. And by doing this invariably I too feel happy from within