leaving this here. at seventeen, the world can seem confusing, brilliant, yet utmost hopeful. with an open invite, finger to screen, words to your sight, i want to share with you kaleidoscopic memories i possess, shifting & turning as i share this message. growing up, despite what i may think initially, it was lovely. i woke up to kisses from my mom & my love for her filled my heart. my days could be spent stumbling around home reading—my feet on the floor of our kitchen, but my mind in Nancy Drew’s mysteries. my sister & i often loved to play tricks on my dad after his late night shifts at work—wrapping his graying hair into multiple girlish ponytails, & wiping lip smacker lipgloss on his chapped lips as he slept. i romanticized this boy named Sam, & declared i was in love with him as i related every experience i shared with him to the latest Taylor Swift song. i was taught to eat big, eating until my stomach bulged (& i kid you not, one time popped a button off of a pair of my favorite jeans). i learned how to cook early, feasting on all of my creations in a mess of a kitchen. i dreamed big. a singer, dancer, scuba diver, detective, i knew i could be it all. i was a child filled with light & curiosity. that being said, the times that felt like a dark wave swallowing me whole have too long been hidden.
as my mom worked two jobs, & as my dad lost his, both my sister & i were left to deal with him. he fell into a rabbit hole of his own demons. anger & fear pounded at the walls of my house it seemed at the sight of a messy room or a slight wrong doing. we were abused. as he was one minute fine, & the next furious, i developed a sense of urgency & panic. while playful & spirited, i was quite sensitive at touch. though despite it all, i went through it. for years it seemed, i thought it hadn’t impacted me as he regained temperament with time. i falsely believed i was only impacted by my parent’s toxic relationship, with their marriage deteriorating. but i began to realize, i too, started to spread my anger. one minute uncontrolled & the next fine—i wanted to believe nothing was to be fixed. & so i did. (continued in the comments)