An addicts biggest accomplishment other than recovery is, SELF LOVE. Without it, we remain forever broken.
I have spent a lot of time in a place where I was constantly seeking more from myself. On the outside, I know I should have been proud of what I saw in the mirror, but on the inside I was mentally breaking myself down, not finding any good in what I saw. I would constantly criticize different aspects of my body, telling myself to cut calories or restrict certain foods and then I’ll get there. But, where was I getting too?
I found myself, as true addict’s do, searching for the next high or indulging in something that would make me feel different. What some of you may not know is that I am an addict. I found myself in a dark place in my early 20’s, a place where I was constantly indulging to feel different. Now, 12 years sober, I’ve found that this addiction lives and breaths in me. It may not be with alcohol, but it became with food/diets and obsessing over working out to compensate for my bad food choices. Honestly, I didn’t even realize it was a problem, like most addictions, until one day I looked at myself and didn’t even recognize who I was. I got so deep in mental shame that I couldn’t even see any good.
The pic on the top was February 2017. Here I was 137lbs, weighing myself every morning, naked and dehydrated. That’s how I started everyday, weighing myself and then analyzing what I should correct. I was cutting calories and depleting my nutritional intake, all while mentally shaming myself for the need and want to look different. I started to loose sight of who I was, my goals, and my purpose.
The bottom picture is, January 2018. Here, I am unsure of my weight, because I haven’t weighed myself in 6 months. I decided the scale was holding me back. I was basing who I was from a number on a scale. I started to ask myself, what’s my why, my purpose? I began to set realistic goals and sticking to them, and doing a lot of metal work. As I hold this barbell in the bottom picture, I feel so incredibly grateful that I have learned to not only respect the body I am in, but love it at the same time, and for all the opportunities it has lead me so far!