I don't talk about this loss often, because frankly I don't quite get it or understand. Honestly, it didn't have as great impact on as losing Rowan but it's still there. But I just don't quiet understand. ...But in October 2016 I found myself not having my period for weeks. My body was still adjusting to that summer from when I lost Rowe. But every week I was taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test. They all came back negative. I told myself I was going to take a break. And I did for a week and a half.
But then I just decided to take a couple more - and they came out positive, light, but still there. I was so, so excited. My husband was away on a business trip. I remember calling my mom and sisters, yelling, "There's two lines, there's two lines." I was in shock and shaking.
My husband came home the next night. I had taken about 10 or 13 pregnancy tests; I just couldn't believe it. But I wrapped them all in a box and told him I had a gift for him. We were both so excited.
But then the next day I started spotting. I had already called the doctor and made my first appointment for in a few weeks the day prior. I called back and told them I was spotting, so they told me to come in the next day. I was crushing.
I already loved this little bean so much. I went to the doctor, by then I was bleeding a lot. My cervix was closed and my doctor told me to have hope. So I did. I prayed, all my friends and family were praying.
We had so much hope that everything would be okay. I did blood test and got it back in two days, and that's when we read that I was having an early miscarriage. I just broke down and cried in that moment.
Luckily it was a Sunday and I just spent the day with family. But I soon jumped back into life and I felt okay. Anger did come from it, but I didn't feel such sadness. It was much different than losing Rowe. I wasn't as connected as I was with Rowan.
I still don't quiet understand it.
Have you had an experience with multiple loses that has been different than the others? #miscarriageawareness #ihadamiscarriage #pregnancyloss #griefmama