#griefmama

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Trees and flowers are budding. The dandelions are back. We never spray ours (sorry not sorry neighbors and buyers) but I have always loved my yard full of dandelions. Free flowers for children to pick. A reminder of innocence and peaceful, barefoot childhood memories. A reminder to be still and rest and bask in the sun. A reminder of good, gentle days at home when you would pick these yellow flowers for me. We'd place them in a jar and let them sit until they wilt. Some days you'd pretend they were dinosaur food, some days you just gathered them in your perfect little hands. Oh how I miss the days you picked them for me. Dandelions always remind me of a simpler time, where it feels the sun shone brighter and the grass was greener. And now I picked some for you. #griefmama #griefjourney #thaothenardoni #dandelions #missthatboy

I want time to stand still sometimes. They are all growing sooo fast!! Aren't they the cutest?! #alittlebiased #cutestkids #happyeaster #family #griefmama

Starting a study on Ruth today. I'm beginning to see why God laid it on my heart, this heavy grief that I've been feeling, this aloneness. The aloneness I feel is a lie. It's untrue. And I'm not the first to have lost. Poor Naomi, she lost it all. Her husband, her sons. Her hopes and dreams for a future with them. Grandchildren. Growing old with her helpmate. Staying in the home she had created with them. We often just skim over these first few verses, it sets the stage. We just all know this is how the story begins. But for Naomi, I bet it felt more like the end. #ongrief #ruthstudy #griefmama #truth #notalone

Reading Ruth through new eyes, grief eyes. Eyes that are the grieving mother. Naomi is the grieving mother/wife. Yet she arose, amidst grief and followed the Lord where he was leading and providing. Through the pain of loss, she was also called to leave everything she knew as home to provide for herself and her daughters-in-law. // The Lord gives us strength. // That is my #ruthstudy take-away today. #griefmama #truth #biblestudy

"You were my greatest love. Today you are my greatest sorrow." After watching #WonderWoman, Queen Hippolyta's words to Diana couldn't stop but echo in my heart, it resonates in my soul.

Today has been exactly a year since this ultrasound, where we were supposed to know if you're a boy or a girl; not that it matters because nothing could have made us love you less.

Today has been exactly 11 months since we met, since we held you in our arms, kissed you hello and kissed you goodbye.

#stillbirth #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #infantlosssupport #captureyourgrief #griefandloss #angelbaby #rememberingmybaby #breakingthesilence #griefjourney #mamagrief #stillbornbutstillborn #griefmama #angelmama

Every milestone that arises in our family, especially with your brother, will always be a reminder that you're not here to celebrate with us. I will never know why in this lifetime you had to leave us. We miss you, Charlotte. .
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#stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirth #grief #love #griefmama #angel #angelbaby

I love my family. I seriously don't know why God gave me such an incredible husband and awesome kids. But when I look at this photo I see all kinds of broken. I see children who have lost everything. I see children who have seen more of the cruel parts of this world than even I have. I see fear. I see pain. I see a hole the size of Thao. And deeper still I see beauty. I see redemption. I see love and peace and grace. I see a story that I would not have written but that only God himself could use for good. I see Jesus. And for that I am eternally grateful. Because He didn't leave us to fix our broken alone. He didn't abandon my children. He is with us and He never leaves us. And He is #makingallthingsnew and He is #restoringmysoul one day at a time until perfection in heaven. I hope today you can see Jesus in your story. I hope you can cling to His redemption and His promises. #griefjourney #griefmama #bestill #stillbook #redemption #heavenmeetsearth

This is a very powerful picture for me. This child I was holding, was conceived around the same time as our dear Izzy. His mom and I were pregnant at the same time, I was just two weeks ahead.

I want this picture to remind people that 1 in 4 pregnancies might lead to a secret heartache because none of us ever talk about it. I used to wonder before why people kept on saying we should keep the pregnancy to ourselves until we're past 12 weeks. Later on it made me realize...so that if it fails we could also just keep it to ourselves? Is it because we are supposed to just mourn by ourselves as well? But why? Maybe because most people don't feel the empathy towards someone's passing when they don't even consider that person to be a 'someone' yet. You could almost instantly hear them say, in your head, "just make a new one again". Maybe, that's why most women and couples just keep it to themselves because of the fear of being judged instead of listened to; being made feel a complete failure instead of being encouraged; being made feel that you were in a way at fault when in fact there wasn't anything you can do, nothing you can control.

So to any woman or couple who has been through one, I want to remind you that you did not do anything wrong. We will love this child, like the others before or after him/her. This child will just be extra special because we will always carry him/her in our hearts instead of our arms.

It has been exactly 10 months and never did a day go by that nanay and tatay did not think of you, our dear. ❤️🎀 #stillbirth #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #infantlosssupport #captureyourgrief #griefandloss #angelbaby #rememberingmybaby #breakingthesilence #griefjourney #mamagrief #stillbornbutstillborn #griefmama #angelmama

Oh Thao. I wanted to finish your kindergarten year with you. I wanted so much more time. Today I wonder what you would be like as a fifth grader. My heart cannot handle the thought of preparing you for sixth grade...but as much as it hurts to watch time slip away so quickly through the other children growing, it hurts more that I don't get to cry over your accomplishments and growth and middle school boy things. Each day brings new surrender. Today I surrender all the kindergarten moments your siblings had but you didn't. Today I surrender all the days of school I wish I had to fight you on. Oh, Thao, I miss you. #thaothenardoni #homeschool #griefmama #griefjourney #kindergarten #stillbook

MOST RECENT

It's been 388 days since I lost my sweet Rowan. I can tell you how I have felt every month, every day since then. Losing my son, losing what could have been - it is so, so difficult. I love him. I miss him. Words can't express it. || But now I want to do something for him, because of him. I don't want it have lost him in vain. My babe changed me. He changed my life. Now I'm thinking and pondering about what I can do - in his honor. How can I live in such a way that honors my child? #inhishonor #dearrowan #ihadamiscarriage #advocate #samuelrowan #griefmama #grief #choosehappy

Always remember that. ❤ || I am looking for people to collaborate with on blogs, ideas, photos. I'm ready to spread the Dear Rowan lifestyle - joy, hope & love, lots of love. So let's do this. DM me, email me at whitwortmm@gmail.com. Let's do this. #dearrowan #sendinghope #joy #love #familyisforever #griefmama #collab #ihadamiscarriage #letstalk #advocate #collab

I'm have been in such a dark place lately. Ever since the one year marked I have really struggled. It's been such a weird, complex emotion I've been going through. I really don't know how to explain it. ...I didn't want to talk about miscarriage. I didn't want to sleep with my comfort bear. I didn't want to do anything with it at all, whatsoever. I wanted to erase this blog. I wasn't trying to pretend it never happened, I just wanted to distance myself from my miscarriage. I've never felt such profound loss before. I wish I could express with words how I've really felt lately. I've struggled with faith, with God, with purpose. There are moments I haven't wanted to be here. To be honest. I don't even know where, how to begin. But I'm here now. || There are like two Megans - one who has felt that hope and brightness of faith. Then there's the other one who feels so hopeless and just dark. I'm trying to hold onto that bright and hopeful Megan. It's been hard. It still is - even this morning. || But something in me had a thought last night, a question that I am pondering now - how can I use my miscarriage to help others? Or to do something with it? I started praying about it last night. 🌞#hope #faith #ihadamiscarriage #sendinghope #dearrowan #familyisforever #griefmama #pregnancyloss #youarenotalone

It's your first stillbirthday and nanay made sure she's home for it. Though the number on your candle will always be zero, we will still choose to remember your angelversary every year. I love you anak. You were taken too soon, just like your lolo popsicle, from us.

I love you anak. Kiss and hug your lolo for us, okay? "Death ends a life but not a relationship". -Mitch Albom

#stillbirth #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #infantlosssupport #captureyourgrief #griefandloss #angelbaby #rememberingmybaby #breakingthesilence #griefjourney #mamagrief #stillbornbutstillborn #griefmama #angelmama

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭73:26‬ ‭NIV‬‬
http://bible.com/111/psa.73.26.niv

It has been a year and never have I thought things will be this way--to suffer a loss within a loss, grief within grief--the pain is overwhelming.

Last year I lost my child, 25 days ago I lost my father.

#stillbirth #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #infantlosssupport #captureyourgrief #griefandloss #angelbaby #rememberingmybaby #breakingthesilence #griefjourney #mamagrief #stillbornbutstillborn #griefmama #angelmama #imissyoupapa

What do you want to see from DearRowan.com? I have a post that is needed to tell you how I celebrated my sweet babe. But I'm really at a lost. What are your thoughts? Let's talk. #pregnancyloss #mystory #griefmama #findingjoy

I have so many ideas that pop through my head, which ones to run with, which ones to toss out. So many decisions. Just trying to make a change, be a difference in this world. I just want to help others. 🌞 || #pregnancyloss #griefmama #ihadamiscarriage #bethechange #choosehappy #ideas

It's raw and vivid. I talk about the day I lost the pregnancy and my overnight in the hospital. It's just part one. #pregnancyloss #ihadamiscarriage #sendinghope #survivor #griefmama

My sister, Mom, and a few of my nieces & nephews gathered yesterday to remember and celebrate my sweet babe. || I'll always celebrate, Rowe. He has brought me so much peace, growth and love into my life. He made me a mother. The moment I saw that positive test my world was changed. I will see him again one day. What a joyous reunion that will be. 🌞 #pregnancyloss #peace #ihadamiscarriage #griefmama #dearrowan

Today is one year that I lost sweet Rowe. He went to heaven a little sooner than I was ever prepared for. The panic attacks are trying to come through, but I'm getting ready for work - so far, I'm keeping it at bay. Please keep me in your prayers. Today is a hard day. #griefmama #pregnancyloss #ihadamiscarriage

My dad bought me this rocker in December. ❤ When I was pregnant with Rowan he promised me a rocker. He got me my rocker. || One day I will rock my babes. One day. 🌞 #pregnancyloss #ihadamiscarriage #love #aultgang #griefmama

The Boston sky gave me the most incredible sunset rainbow tonight as we landed 🌈.
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Heavy-hearted as we head to a very special place to lay some of Raspberry's ashes this week, but this spectacular sky was as close to a cuddle as I can imagine from my son.
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#stillbornstillloved #stillbirth #stillborn #bereavedmother #grief #griefmama #babyloss #childloss #ttcafterloss #1in4 #ihadamiscarriage #lifeafterloss

"Rowan, I so look forward to the day I see you again. I can't wait to see you smile, hear you laugh - to hear you call me Mama." 🌞 || On the blog is a letter to my sweet babe - dearrowan.com. One year ago I heard his heart beat and saw him jumping and moving inside of me. Three days later I lost him. This has been a bittersweet day to me as I remembered seeing him so clearly. Even though I never held him in my arms, my love continues to grow stronger everyday. ❤#pregnancyloss #motherhood #griefmama #ihadamiscarriage #hope #dearrowan

Every milestone that arises in our family, especially with your brother, will always be a reminder that you're not here to celebrate with us. I will never know why in this lifetime you had to leave us. We miss you, Charlotte. .
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#stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirth #grief #love #griefmama #angel #angelbaby

"You were my greatest love. Today you are my greatest sorrow." After watching #WonderWoman, Queen Hippolyta's words to Diana couldn't stop but echo in my heart, it resonates in my soul.

Today has been exactly a year since this ultrasound, where we were supposed to know if you're a boy or a girl; not that it matters because nothing could have made us love you less.

Today has been exactly 11 months since we met, since we held you in our arms, kissed you hello and kissed you goodbye.

#stillbirth #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #infantlosssupport #captureyourgrief #griefandloss #angelbaby #rememberingmybaby #breakingthesilence #griefjourney #mamagrief #stillbornbutstillborn #griefmama #angelmama

It's so hard not to buy things for a child who's not with you. It's hard to take away thoughts of "Would she have liked this? Would this be her favourite?" I love you Izzy, look at your night light, even taller than you. 😊❤️🎀 #nightlights #nightlight #monstersinc #sulley #stillbirth #stillborn #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #stillbornawareness #pregnancyandinfantloss #infantlosssupport #captureyourgrief #griefandloss #angelbaby #rememberingmybaby #breakingthesilence #griefjourney #mamagrief #stillbornbutstillborn #griefmama #angelmama

S I X M O N T H S.
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Six months ago we held you for the first and last time. How have we kept breathing since then? How is my heart still beating without yours? How do the days keep moving forward despite this sorrow? Who would you be as a six month old boy? Eating your first foods and exploring the world. Our hearts burst with love for you even though we only knew you for such a short time, Raspberry. Not a second goes by that you are not on my mind. We will acknowledge our love for you til the end of our days, wishing we could have spent more of them with you but thankful that you made us parents nonetheless.
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#stillborn #stillbirth #stillbornstillloved #babyloss #childloss #1in4 #ihadamiscarriage #grief #griefmama #bereavedmother #lifeafterloss #ithurts #ttcafterloss

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