Am I cured now? My therapy is over. I'm unleashed unto the world. Gradually and then suddenly, the concept of day-to-day doesn't seem so unimaginable and alien to me anymore.
Today in my final therapy session I found myself saying "I feel as if a black cloud has been lifted", which is as cliched as they come, but over the last couple of weeks I really have felt lighter and happier - i've even begun to want things again.
It feels somehow not right to say that in the last few days i've felt more content and settled than I have done in years. It's hard to believe now that I was so confused and uncertain for so long. I need to let it be, and enjoy it, and dissolve the idea that I have no right to it or that it won't last or I don't deserve it.
I'd led myself to believe my feelings weren't understandable. That isn't true. My final three therapy sessions over the last month have allowed me to open up and accept that it's okay to feel how I do. No one can or should be able to take my emotions away from me. Opening up to a therapist has allowed me to connect and lessen the pressure cooker bubbling away inside my head.
My wants and ideas dont seem so impossible anymore. I've been self-sufficient for so long that i'd become scared to try, scared to let myself fail.
I hope to continue therapy but for now - I need to let myself be.