I'm having one of those bad days. One of those forget everything I learned in therapy days, one of those days where I can't see past the sadness, where the volume of that ugly inner dialog turns up and up and I can't shut it down. I was cornered by a woman in a social setting over the weekend, who had apparently noticed Jon. She remarked "oh my goodness, is THAT guy with YOU?" after confirming that yes, her suspicions were correct, she proceeded to go on and on about how LUCKY I was to be with him. "Oh my goodness, he's so CUTE and well dressed and charming, you're SO LUCKY, oh my GOD, you are SO LUCKY, I'm not trying to be weird, I mean I have a boyfriend, but DAMN you are LUCKY!!" she repeated herself for emphasis, multiple times, as if I hadn't gotten the point.
I'm upset I let this bother me. I'm upset that I can't stop hearing her voice, repeating. If you're finding it difficult to understand why this affected me so much, let me further explain. Telling me that I am so incredibly fortunate to be with my partner, in the way she did, implies a couple different things; the most hurtful is that I am lucky because I am not deserving of Jon. Without any prior knowledge or understanding, based primarily on superficial observation, she made a judgment about my own worth versus that of my partner...and had the audacity to TELL ME.
She seemed friendly enough, and it's possible she didn't realize the extent of what she was actually saying. My point here, and the reason I posted this image, is that we need to be mindful and considerate of each other, now more than ever. We can't just speak without thought, we can't act without clear intention. She certainly had no way of knowing she was speaking to someone recovering from deeply painful body image issues, someone struggling with self worth, with depression. But what was her point? Was I supposed to take it as a compliment? Should I have agreed, insulting myself in the process? Instead I was polite, I smiled, and I internalized it..and I'm back to this place that I've worked hard to avoid. I will recover, sure. But why speak at all, unless it is with kindness, consideration...tenderness?