So recently I've been struggling a lot in my relationship with God. I feel like I've mentioned this quite a bit but God wants me to start a YouTube Channel and I've recorded a video He wants me to upload but you see, I don't wanna upload it. It's embarrassing because I'm "too myself" in a way people will find weird, it's too personal and I share something that even my parents aren't aware of. I'm scared of what people will think. So despite filming this video in August, it's still sitting there waiting for me to upload it. Now there's problems with my laptop and I'm just stalling to be honest.
I've been saying "yeah God. I'm going to do this, don't worry." but through my actions, I've been saying "fudge off, God. I don't wanna do that. Leave me alone." Because of this, I've felt an emptiness in my heart. Despite having "good days", my heart feels like it's lacking so much and I feel dead inside.
I've been saying "sorry God. I'm going to fast and pray to make you happy so you'll forgive me." Like really? Really, Miracle? If you've seen my previous post on Judah and Israel, you'll know that right now, I'm being Judah. I'm going to go and "repenting" in false pretences but I'm continuing to disobey God and I'm fasting and praying just so I can be in His good books,just so I'm off the hook.
If this is you, lemme just inform that it's not going to work that way. You can't say to your partner that you're sorry for cheating while they can see you in the act of cheating and you continue cheating while they're watching. I really hope that made sense lol. In the same way, you cannot ask for forgiveness from the Lord while in spiritual intercourse with the enemy. I'm putting my hands up high and I'm going to admit that I've been committing spiritual adultery with the enemy a lot lately and I pray that God delivers me from that. [Continued in comments]