Wednesday morning I sat in my garage grieving something I thought I had buried nearly 2 decades ago. I walked away from a sport I loved for no better reason than fear of failure. I still had more to give, more skills I wanted to learn, and in a moment of self doubt, I walked away from college cheerleading. It was just a simple mental block that happened at an inconvenient time. All athletes have them and all athletes work through them in different ways.
I put everything in a memory box and mistakenly labeled it with failure and lost touch with old friends and teammates. I wasn't ready to grieve it so instead the anger became a silent driving force behind every life success I've had since.
I sat there thinking about those skills that both my brain and body still long to learn, fully aware that my time on the court and field are long gone. I remembered people, places and sounds. I thought of all the thank you's I needed to express and all of the apologies I needed to unload. I finally honored it for what it was; the home that built me.
If I had the foresight to have taped my first try, what you would have seen was a 34 year old woman wiping away tears of regret from her youth, landing a back tuck like a boss after not attempting that skill in over 10 years and collapsing into a heap of tears representing a million different emotions.
Gratitude for feeling at home in my body again.
Grateful that my body can still do what it loves most.
Two things became crystal clear to me after all these years.
1. I need cheerleading in my life in some capacity. It lights me up.
2. The woman I hoped to grow into through cheerleading I have grown into anyway. I am still the woman who can take a leap of faith in herself and land on her own two feet.
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