Last weekend I attended the Texas-USC game and boy did I have my heart broken. And to quote the Grammy winning singer Jewel, "These foolish games are tearing me apart. And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart. You're breaking my heart." Now, of course even someone as omniscient as Jewel could never have foreseen what took place on that football field Saturday night. And even if she, say, somehow saw the outcome in a dream or vision, it's incredibly unlikely that she would have been able to relay this to our head coach Tom Herman. Of course, she would have had a better chance going thru one of his 45 assistant / specialty coaches, or by tweeting her message to our mascot, HookEm. But let's be honest, that Twitter account is probably run by some acne-faced virgin who's interning for The Longhorns, not the real HookEm himself. And this is all asking a lot from Jewel, considering she didn't even attend UT. Actually, she isn't even college educated. HA! Her highest form of education was from the boarding school, The Interlochen Center for the Arts, which sounds like Hogwarts for fucking lil music nerds. So we would have been asking for a divine miracle, and I just don't think 2017 Jewel is capable of anything more than another sad straight to Starbucks CD. Sorry to break your heart, "Jewel Heads". Anyway, the last time I had my heart broken this badly was when an ex girlfriend broke up with me on Valentines Day (yes, this is true). So thanks for the close game, and thanks for the heartbreak, Texas Longhorns.