☝🏼True transparency: tbh I felt very hesitant to post this but i know how many people are silently struggling and may feel alone...I hate feeling vulnerable but it seems like when I am I get so many responses from such kindhearted people who share similar struggles.
Recently I’ve been struggling the most i ever have with self image. Everyday i pick myself apart and it truly sucks.. i am uncomfortable in my own skin and it’s one of the hardest feelings to try and understand. I literally couldn’t wait for prep to start and to be show lean again, and work towards one of my favorite things in life! I love competing, I love my team and the whole process, the hustle, the blood sweat and tears, and the glitz and glam on show day (and of course the memories made). But recently i just haven’t been feeling myself, and after getting some much needed blood work- the results didn’t come back what i had expected nor what i wanted. My blood work has shown that some of my organs aren’t working to full capacity, and with that my metabolism has slowed down (i won’t get too much into that) but the point is when i was told i wouldn’t be able to compete this season i was heart broken, and i was even more heartbroken. Something I’ve been waiting and waiting on and i can’t partake in it. And truly it sucks. What sucks even more is realizing that i did this to myself. Yes, that’s right , after years and years of picking myself apart, eating disorders, over eating and under exercising, to under eating and over exercising, and 2 years of competing and working hard and finally thinking i learned balance (aka me still being scared of calories but a little less than usual)...my body had enough. My body got tired and started retaliating at me for what i have done to it. This is not shaming competing in ANY way shape or form, quite frankly i will get back on stage, and be better. Physically and mentally. This is making a point that we only have ONE body, we’re lucky if we can even walk never mind lift or go to the gym. This whole thing made me realize something i should’ve realized months, years ago. I am me and i am different. *continues in comments*