I have a big toenail that has been in the process of falling off for over three years. Bear with me here. How many minutes of attention have I given to that toe in three years? I don't know.
I have studied it wondering, "What the hell is going on? Will it ever leave? Is it getting better? Do I need to intervene?"
It started with some boots that were too tight that I wore to teach in an elementary school classroom for too many days. I will not describe every step along the way in this process of slow death because we could be here awhile. Know that this toe has been thoroughly seen and loved.
This simple physiological process of a toenail bruising, dying, regrowing, detaching...THREE YEARS. If it takes three years for a toenail to process and grieve and let go, what about our hearts?
It's now hanging on its last thread, and I've been super tender to it. I’ve tried to make sure its every need has been met.
I now have a full view of what will be there when the toenail is gone. It's not pretty, which is difficult for me because I have the kind of feet people grossed out by feet somehow have liked. It's not pretty, but there's a new nail already working its way out.
The state of this highly monitored, jiggle wiggle toenail is like me right now. This process of healing and becoming does not feel pretty and it feels like it’s taking forever and it feels like an annoying interruption to life. And should I just put a bandaid on it so I can't see it and it doesn't get hurt and it doesn't disgust other people?
I tried the bandaid. It wasn't letting the toenail move and change how it needed to. It kept it safe, but it kept it dead and hanging on.
You and me, toe. Vulnerable and becoming. Let's do this.
#healingjourney #becoming #lifecycle #firstdeath #thennewlife #shedtheold