They say, before you go #forward, you got to know your #history !
So the story goes; I was a girl who loved #love. A dreamer, optimist, illusionist.
I wanted relationship more than anything! I searched high and LOW. I found 'anything', and stopped the search 🖐🏾. I dressed 'anything' up to be something spectacular 😍 #fairytale.
I shoved that 'anything' into a relationship sized box 🎁. I was sold!
"Oh boy, he paid me some attention today" "Ooo he's different, I like different"..
I accepted the little as a lot.. Smh🙈 I was wrong! Not one time, not two times, time and time again.
I'm talking about #selfworth.. LOW self worth. Not knowing who (or what) to really focus on. Placing too much emphasis on things of the world. Being led in any direction (romantically speaking). Over time the girl became a woman. A few emotional knocks graduated into massively crushing self-doubt. The optimist became #disillusioned. I fought for people who wanted to leave.. when it was all over, I questioned whether I was really able to hold a relationship down? And there the #commitmentphobe was born.. My 👎🏾 #selftalk turned into this;
"Staying committed is BORING and the same.. forever." Forever ever? 👀
You mean, I have to be consistent? Not me.
You mean, I have to put him first? Whaa?
You mean, I have to be dedicated? History says, not me #freespirit.
What if I don't like this?
What if I don't like that?
What if I change my mind?
What if he does?
I want to be FREE but this one is holding me back!
I want to have FUN and r'ship is hard work!
I want love, but I'm not built for commitment.
I'm too independent, I won't change..
Where did all the hope and faith and all the optimism go? 🙄
Yup. I have been stuck between wanting something, and believing I'm not capable or worthy. The road to #singleagain is long and windy!