This is: Recovery✨Round✨2️⃣ This is me admitting that this relapse is real, and choosing to fight • Tonight at work I was thinking about how unhappy I’ve been over the last two months. How much I’ve hated myself. How little energy or desire I’ve had for anything or anyone I care about. And then a little voice went “Maybe you deserve to be unhappy. Maybe you deserve to be sick” • That voice stunned the crap out of me. I wasn’t expecting it. I knew it was lying. But I realized I’ve been living as if it were true. Those of you who followed my travels in Europe know that it ended with romance. Followed by heart break. Followed by... relapse. But there’s more to that story. I’ve been repressing so much: GUILT. • Guilt for falling in love with someone I shouldn’t have. Guilt for the other girl I was hurting. Guilt for not being able to regret it, even after all the pain it’s caused me and others. Followed by guilt for relapsing. Guilt for not being strong enough to resist the urges. Guilt for not being enough for him. More guilt over self love not being enough for me. Guilt for being a hypocrite to this account. • All that guilt made me feel like I deserved to starve. Like I didn’t deserve to eat. Like I didn’t deserve to get better or be happy, period. But I do. So this is me choosing recovery (again) because for the first time in a long time, I think I deserve it. Thank you if you read this far✨ #progressbreathbybreath
Aaand dessert! Almost a whole container of strawberries (hah whoops), Chobani yogurt, wafer cookies, and much more whipped cream than puctured😜
Dinner!!! A challenge (conquered!)💪 Had a cute lil four course dinner with my family. Spaghetti and meatballs with cheese, bread and sauce, salad, and a salami & cheese plate that I shared with my parents😊
I had a chocolate milkshake last night which was really hard to get through. The worst part was after finishing the entire thing. The guilt was out of this world. I had so many urges, I just wanted the feeling to go away. But I had to take a second and think rationally. My mother so lovingly bought this milkshake for me. She gave it to me because I need it. She wasn’t going to give me something that would hurt me. Even though it is uncomfortable now, it will pass. It’s just a feeling. Feelings don’t last forever. I try so hard to keep my chin up and my head high. Today as really really difficult but tomorrow will be better. I really hope tomorrow will be better.
Showing som LOVIN to my LEGS because they are Beautiful, Strong, and Cared for. They are my legs. MY legs. my LEGS. MY LEGS. And I am choosing in this moment to love them, to live with them, to embrace them. What good does hating my body do? LOV YOUR BODY BOO❤️❤️😚😚
TW here's a picture of the half eaten carrot loaf slice i ate yesterday. I had an absolutely horrible day food wise and I was unable to make myself want to eat anything. Regardless, I ate far too much and I feel like I have ballooned overnight and become so so so fucking fat. I don't want to eat I need to relapse. I'm so sick of this I'm so fucking sick of this. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am so tired I'm so so so tired. I just want to die. I deserve all of the pain I get. I want to fucking tear my skin open. It's what I fucking deserve. I'm a terrible, terrible person. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to.
my #pintparty today!! i only ate half because i felt like it would be better to save the rest for another time. would it count as a pint oarty if i only had half? 🤔 tasted really good, but it won’t top my current favorite: milk and cookies 👌
Made beer and cookies today. I’d say it’s been pretty much perfect.
had two servings of this (persian dish called lubia pollo) and it was really oily 😖😖. i will still have my b&j’s pint, but i think i will only have half, so my ice creams can last longer 😂. (i’m too broke to eat a whole pint every week or so 😂)