My mom and I just spent a half hour talking about body positivity. I think I should be allowed to love myself and want to enjoy myself now, not when I reach that infamous size 4. She thinks so too, but she always has to add the caveat “but things will be easier then.” Why can’t they be easy now? I have this crazy idea that how I think and feel about my body could actually affect the way others think and feel about my body.
This conversation came after she filled me on things my brother told her when he was home this weekend - and after I spent the afternoon binging @dietlandamc. I love my brother. I love him so much it hurts, but he sees a weird, comic book loving (I’ve never read a comic book in my life, but I love comic book movies and am a science fiction nut), fat, goofball. He says things like “well you don’t run, you jog,” or “if you just walked more you’d lose weight.” Apparently, he spent the few minutes he was actually in this house during this vacation to tell my mom how #pcos isn’t real, we made it up, I am an emotional basketcase who hasn’t learned anything from all the self-help books I’ve read, and I’m super lazy and just watch TV in bed all day. Uh hi, my name is Alex. I graduated from law school last May, sat for the July bar after studying 10 hours a day for nine weeks and failed. I lost my mind. I picked myself up and I studied for 9 hours a day for 13 weeks, meditated every day, and worked on myself. And I passed the February Bar with such a high score I can go anywhere I want and work in any state. Since February I have trained and run a half marathon, traveled with my mom, watched my father’s employees kids so they could go on business trips, did freelance work, started writing a novel, oh and read 17 books. Nice to meet, you I’m your older sister.
This very long rant is to say that I feel like the people around me (brother, grandma, cousins, vapid acquaintances) don’t count me as a human being because of my round middle. Everything I do with an “extra” 70 lbs is looked at as less than instead of exceptional. And maybe I made that okay because of how I treat and talk about my body. Well no FUCKING more.