This is the capital I Internet, and those trolls will.COME FOR YOU if they suspect you might like yourself “off-brand” , I have never, at any size, voluntarily let a photo be taken of me in a bikini.
This? Is a tiny, dimpled, squishy act of rebellion. I was teased mercilessly for being chubby until I wasn’t, and then the second I wasn’t chubby anymore I became something to be leered at and commented on in a different, somehow more sinister way. I won’t lie and pretend I live in some blissful land of body positivity, but I will say, that with so many other battles to fight, this one against my body is a war I’m no longer willing to wage. Shame has always been my biggest weakness — I have let it control me for so long. I have a daughter, and I refuse to give her one single reason to be ashamed of herself. And this is how I choose to fight back. When I first got fat, I listened to @thelindywest’s “Shrill” and She suggested looking at lots of fat bodies. So I spent hours googling “visible belly outlines” and “hot plus size” I looked at all the fat bodies I saw, and realized that I didn’t judge those bodies the way I did my own. I noticed that I did not consider their shapes some failure. I was not afraid that no one would ever love them. I still do this. I am, at this moment in my life, seeking ways to let go of my own self-judgements, because for so long I’ve clung to them for safety — a bouy in the ever-more-tempestuous waters of my life — they gave me something to hold onto. Hating myself, being certain that I was not enough, gave me a sense of control. But today I mowed my back yard just like this. And I’m trying, all 234 lbs and 5’ 6” of me, to practice letting go of all that bullshit. And it’s a testament that in a photoshopped world, I felt that getting ok with my size 16 ass was the easiest place to start. I remember how dangerous it always felt to put on a bikini, in a way you can only understand if you’ve hated your body. But I’ve found that the more I walk around in this body, the more I let it out and wiggle it and pretend it’s just as good as all the other bodies, the less dangerous it feels. It feels like home. Who knew?