This is probably going to look weird to a lot of people, but some will understand. Last night I accidentally let my mind wander to that dark place that seems to have a permanent residence inside my head. But I meant what I said before - the last time that I went to the blade for relief was THE LAST. "No more" I said. Who am I to preach self help if I cannot live it? So this is the result. Just some paint and make up to partially represent how I was feeling inside. No blood. No scars. No pain, whether it be mine or the people I hold near and dear.
I threw in my headphones and actually listened to peaceful music. Not the pain hungry, soul eating, hate filled music I usually listen to, but a piano number called Spring Waltz. You should listen to it, its very good.
Anyway, as I hesitantly got to work on my mask (which actually isn't much of a mask at all sometimes) I felt relief. Validation. And somehow, peace; which came in an artificial, "candy coated" form whenever I tried turning to a blade for this sensation.
My point is not that you should paint your face into a stitched mouth, black tears, and sunken eyes; my point is that there are forms of relief that can fill the void. The void that you've tried time and time again to fill with pain and suffering (including those who care about you). It can be weird, it can be badass, it can lame, or it can be completely normal. As long as it brings you true peace, that's what you're looking for. 💛💛💛