my history with love.
i stopped searching for acceptance sometime after my family broke my heart. they were my first, and as my story unfolded, they caved in. i had always searched for their acceptance. i can remember when i first began searching for my father’s love through lovers. the more i came up empty, the more pain i carried. the more i hurt others knowingly and unknowingly. but not more than i hurt myself. i learned then, that i was a lot of girl and that sentiment grew as i got older. always being told i was too much, too confident, too sexy, too African, too loud, too excited, too intimidating, being teased and called Malcolm X, cause for as long as i can remember, i always spoke my truth unapologetically, even as a little girl. i let life choose for me what career, what marriage, what life i should live. now, i am a lot of woman— warm blooded, cold shouldered, in charge of my changes. i no longer let life happen to me. i took charge of my life and proceeded to find a voice that no one can muffle now. it has been perceived, that just because i don’t speak about pain— i don’t experience it. but i feel pain, an immense amount about a lot of things i cannot control. pray for her. the girl who carries the world on her shoulders, who always smiles and never shows you her tears. who’s always checking in on you. who doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. who “does it all”. who listens to others and says she’s good. pray for her. for anyone i have hurt while i was a prisoner of my own pain, please forgive me as i forgive myself. forgive yourself. again and again. as many times as it takes to find peace. flames aren’t meant to be tamed. it took a lot of dynamite to break me open. i was built to withstand a few blows, and they have surely manifested in the forms of heartbreak and fist throwing. but here she stands, blown wide open and standing tall in the midst of flying debris.
today I acknowledge:
she didn’t know she was a phoenix until she rose and rose again. no more fear will get in the way of my efficiency. women who bleed with the moon, rise within the fire. 🥀
#erynamelism #womanhood #justanaijagirl #honestwomanhood #selflove #free #unapologetic