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#edawareness

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LOOK.
I'm posting this up because:
1. I thought I looked bigger than what I am and I wanna challenge my phobia of fat/ness in front of you all. Seriously, I know I'm not and even if I were I'm good y'all πŸ™Œ
2. I wanna start a hashtag with you all called #myrecoverybody, I wanna feature bodies in recovery that don't get featured in campaigns.
RECOVERY BODIES ARE NOT PERFECT:
1. They have fat. Maybe a lot of it.
2. They have loose skin in places the world would like to shun.
3. They have stretch marks running along their whole system.
4. They might have no hair.
5. They might be in a wheelchair or bed ridden.
6. They might not have ANY curves.
7. They might be flat chested with a big tummy and skinny legs.
8. They might look tired.
9. They might look old/er
10. They might not look perfect but their recovery body is still a body that needs representation.
I got out of a meeting today and we spoke about how we need MORE REPRESENTATION IN THE ED COMMUNITY πŸ‘
Thinner white women (who are my friends! Hi! This is where your/our beautiful work can come in!) who dominate the community can/need to start talking about these bodies!!!!!!
Because these bodies don't even know if they can get help or if anyone will listen unless they see that it is possible!!!!!!!!!
RECOVERY IS FOR ALL.
Not just to remain thin, perfectly curvy, white skin, in het bodies (even tho yes cool! Dope! You fly!), it needs to look fair and representational of ALL who are affected in this messed up culture.
#rantover #recovery #recoveryis #recoveryisworthit #edrecovery #edfamily #edcommunity #edawareness

Giving my speech for the NEDA Walk Denver this morning! πŸ’›πŸ™‹πŸ»πŸŒΈ
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Nervous and excited and all those little feels. Content to share transparency about the "flexibly okay" recovery.
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((Also, just a small reminder that we're all sitting around an hour before presentations, dates, parties, dinners - cleaning out our ears, eating bagels in bed, and watching The Handsmaid's Tale on Hulu.))
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#pcos #pcosawareness #recovery #recoveryisworthit #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #bopo #edfam #edawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #recoveryfam #denver #colorado #neda

They've done it again πŸ™ŒπŸΌ the one and only @madewell has stolen my heart with their new collection. This limited-edition crewneck will support @girlsinc and its mission of empowering young women through advocacy and education ❀️ the cute lil embroidered female sign is a much-needed reminder for all of us strong & beautiful ladies - we are capable of some pretty incredible things 🀘🏼 madewell's website is linked to my story, just swipe ⬆️ to shop ✨ P.S - thank you @mary_frances.photography for another awesome shot, so grateful for ya πŸ“Έ

I guess it's an increased breakfast because of liquid cals but that's not why I had a drink. This morning I had some hot chocolate with milk to try and give me an energy boost. I usually don't drink anything with my meals because it makes it harder to eat because I get full faster. This morning definitely proved that heh. I am stuffed so I better stay full today. I also brought a morning snack :) Stay strong, stay safe🌟🦁❀️

PSA: Thin does NOT equal happy. In today's #Fitgirl Discussions - @emmajanefit, @therealmiamazin and I admit to the destructive phases we've been through where restricting is concerned. By no means are any of us cured from those toxic mindsets (we're all a work in progress) but we talk about what motivates us to keep a healthier and happier mentality. What mantras help you stay healthy and balanced?? #bodyconfessions

@Regrann from @lindseyhallwrites - Having one of those nights where I have to sit here at my kitchen table, and remind myself that god damnit, it's not "back fat" you're worried about - it's the NEDA speech you're giving on Sunday.
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It's not your lack of working out this week - it's the expectation that you would, and didn't.
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It's not that I ate Qdoba for lunch and - OH CHRIST - the calories from a salad bowl (😱)it's that my ex read my blog the other day and was hurt. And now I've sat here the past 48 hours trying to reconcile the pain I've caused for my misguided - at times -interpretations. I'm dealing with guilt and a facepalm to my own face.
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This is what's going on in real life - not eating disorder land. At the end of the day, it's not the shape of my body I'm concerned about right now, but it feels that way - and that's a hard tick to navigate.
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It's a battle to be present instead of avoidant.
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I don't like guilt and I don't deal with stress - avoiding it constantly with impulsive decisions and immediate gratification.
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This is a truth about life in recovery: and it's great, yeah. This recovery shiz.
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But, this is the flexible "okay" life you choose when you're in it - and what we ultimately learn is how and what to think about again - learning how to navigate our thoughts without the ED voice - and how to look at the multifaceted angles of our eating disorder, and stay on the outside of it instead of being hypnotized by the allure of its constant monologue inside our heads.
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It's relearning how to think. It's learning how to live in that hazy grey of "flexible" okay - and truly exist in spite of it, feeling all the shit that comes along with it πŸ’›
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#pcos #pcosawareness #recovery #recoveryisworthit #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #bopo #edfam #edawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #bodypositivity #bodyposi #recoveryfam #denver #colorado #neda - #regrann

Today I decided to look at my old journals from when I was 11,12, and 13. The words written on those pages were no where near what an 11 year old should think of themselves. How did I hate myself so much that I wanted to die at 11 years old. These pages are filled with the horrible truth about mental illness. It's scary, dangerous, and often hidden. I lied to myself for years and was in denial about my mental illnesses. Reading these the emotions flooded back and I realized that I'm not okay and haven't been for a VERY long time. Admitting you need help is the hardest part, saying it out loud and telling someone else your darkest secrets. These pages are filled with an extreme amount of self hatred. Books and books of counting calories, measurements, weights, goals. Paragraphs explaining how much I didn't want to be here unless I was 90 pounds or smaller. How I didn't believe anyone could love me because I was fatter. I've never shown anyone these books in my entire life, ever since I was little they were my prized possessions. I hid all my demons in them and never let a single soul know until recently I've decided to share them with the world to show that mental illness can be hidden for so long and easily by SO many people in this world. For the longest time no one in my life knew I struggled with anorexia, for years neither did I. You may not know that the person beside you is struggling with eating today, that they don't want to live anymore, that they think no one loves them. You never know who is struggling in this world. Any one, any age, any gender, ANYONE. Mental illness effects countless humans and many suffer with it their entire life. Recovery is possibly, help is here, and happiness is around the corner. You are not the things you write about yourself, you are not the weight on the scale, you are not your struggles. You are loved. So rip those pages up and throw away the scale my dears. The numbers on it don't matter and neither does anyone's opinion. Your pain is real, your hurt is real. Your mental illness is VERY real. And this is the reality of mental illness #recovery #mentalillness #edawareness πŸ’›

Summer beach body achieved.... I have a body and I took it to the beach, many of times... and I will keep doing so until it is too cold! Why not embrace your inner mermaid during the beginning and oh so faint whispers of fall?! I'm embracing my sandy bottoms, sea salt coated hair and sticky skin for as long as I can!! Who else is with me?! Ps... I am also bringing all the fall candles πŸ˜‚#recoveryloveandcare #beyondthebody

So I finally got around to watching the Netflix original "To the Bone" with some friends and heard things like "why can't they just eat? It's not that hard". So I decided to share something very personal-- I've struggled with an eating disorder since I was in 7th grade. The picture on the left is me at 88 pounds with ribs and collarbones protruding, hair that would not grow, zero boobs, not having periods, and hospitalizations. And the right is me now, at 120 pounds, exercising occasionally and not letting it take over my life. An eating disorder is a dark cloud that follows you around, and just because someone is eating in front of you doesn't mean they're over it. They go about the rest of their day carrying guilt/shame because of what they ate or will restrict themselves from food for several days.
I have MANY friends that still have not rid themselves of their dark cloud, and my heart is with you all because I still sometimes have my bad days πŸ’™
So next time you think about an eating disorder, think of it for what it is, an illness, because you wouldn't think to say "ugh why can't they just stop their cells from multiplying?" when you think of cancer. #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery #edawareness

MOST RECENT

They've done it again πŸ™ŒπŸΌ the one and only @madewell has stolen my heart with their new collection. This limited-edition crewneck will support @girlsinc and its mission of empowering young women through advocacy and education ❀️ the cute lil embroidered female sign is a much-needed reminder for all of us strong & beautiful ladies - we are capable of some pretty incredible things 🀘🏼 madewell's website is linked to my story, just swipe ⬆️ to shop ✨ P.S - thank you @mary_frances.photography for another awesome shot, so grateful for ya πŸ“Έ

This book has been brightening my commutes the past few weeks πŸ™Œ You may have seen me post extracts on my story πŸ˜† It's so full of little gems of wisdom that I can't keep them to myself 😯
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Written by the AMAZING Megan Jayne Crabbe, AKA @bodyposipanda, this book is an introduction to and crash course in learning body positivity, overcoming diet culture, and healing your relationship with your body πŸ™ It's just marvellous - and exactly what I've always needed.
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Recovering from anorexia is a long, complex, fluid process. There are so many different forms and degrees of recovery, and in a way you have to choose where you're comfortable. Lately, as life has become busier and more intense, I've found myself settling for a kind of "semi-recovery" where I'm happy to kick the eating disorder to the curb sometimes, but use it as my crutch at other times πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ Reading Megan's book has reminded me that I CAN be absolutely free, and it IS worth that extra bit of hard work πŸ‘ I hope that maybe it might help some of you lovely people too πŸ€—β€οΈ
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#edrecovery#edawareness #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #wellbeing #bodypositive #selflove #selfrespect #bodyimage #dietculture #bodyconfidence #selflove #bodyacceptance #everybodyisbeautiful

seems like all my selfies are during sunsets but ah oh well πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ (ptw but positive) im doing better for sure, in a lot of ways i at least feel recovered (although in reality i still have lots of battles to fight, and thats ok!) but some days are still harder. ive come to a point where im almost, if not already at, my weight pre relapse. i havent been weighed as im not sure i can face that damn number yet. but based on last time and the amount ive been eating im at least close. the rational part of me knows this is ok! i look fine, my friends still love me, im no different of a person than i was a few weeks ago. but theres still that voice in the back of my head thats becoming louder and louder of ana screaming that ive failed. its honestly so difficult to shake that feeling of having had worked so hard and putting my body through so much to "be skinny" and "be perfect" only to give it all up in just a few months. i know these thoughts will fade and that i WILL be okay but wow man its hard sometimes. just need ro keep reminding myself that a healthy bmi is a GOOD thing, not something to be ashamed of & that i am more than my body. i got this & all of you got this. its okay to struggle sometimes as long as we dont give in. keep fighting loves :) xx

Inspiration Part 2/2

The other major driving force behind my journey and discovering my love of fitness again is this beautiful human!

When I started losing weight @char_mainey12 shared her meal plans with me, shared workout tips and put up with my non-stop talk about my relationship with food, fitness and weight loss.
She is 5 ft of ass kicking female inspiration! She is strong, motivated and fierce and I'm beyond lucky to count her as one of my supports, as well as a great friend!! #weightlosslife #getstrong #gainz #lifting #myjourney #girlswholift #edrecovery #edawareness #fitfam #motivation #inspo

I guess it's an increased breakfast because of liquid cals but that's not why I had a drink. This morning I had some hot chocolate with milk to try and give me an energy boost. I usually don't drink anything with my meals because it makes it harder to eat because I get full faster. This morning definitely proved that heh. I am stuffed so I better stay full today. I also brought a morning snack :) Stay strong, stay safe🌟🦁❀️

I have been working through this book the past few months and I'm finally wrapping it up. Small shifts in perspective have been helping tremendously. Eating disorders are such a mental battle. It is beyond exhausting. Happy I came across this book. You can get a digital copy for free on his site or order the hard copy via Amazon. There are lots of printable worksheet downloads that have been super helpful! If you or someone you know is struggling with this, give it a go! And feel free to message me, always. πŸ’–πŸ–€ #plantbased #vegan #plantbasedpower #veganweightloss #veganfit #veganpower #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #selflove #bingeeating #recoveringed #recoveringeatingdisorder #plantbasedweightloss #edrecovery #edfamily #edawareness

Good morning friends, just a gentle reminder πŸ’•βœ¨

BABES!!β˜ΊοΈπŸ™ˆπŸ’• Have you ever been afraid to show people the REAL you? Felt under pressure to act/look/be a certain way to attain approval by others around you? Felt like hiding a part of you from the world in fear that you weren't enough? πŸ˜‘β€οΈ The truth is we have all felt this way at one point or another in our lives, maybe some of us still do...but I am here to teach you that you really don't have to!!😘 Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we actually are. Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that you areπŸ’•βœ¨ Have a brilliant day my lovesπŸ˜‹β˜ΊοΈπŸ™ˆβ€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ #livelifelovelifemovement#beyou#everybodyelseistaken#loveyourself#loveyourlife#think#prosper#grow#become#attract#positivevibes#happytuesday#edwarrior#edrecovery#neda#edawareness#bodypositivity#allthesehashtags

"Can you paint with all the colours of the wind" πŸ¦‹πŸŒΈ One thing that really helps when you are struggling with anxiety and/or depression, is going out into nature. Go for a walk around your neighbourhood, or down to your local park. Getting out and away from the silence of your room, can really make you see things from another perspective β˜ΊοΈπŸ’•
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#painwithallthecolorsofthewind #painwithallthecolors #flowers #tree #nature #pocahontas #quote #disneyquotes #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalhealthadvocacy #recovery #edawareness #edrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #edwarrior #anxiety #depression #endos #blossom #blossomtree #gardens #garden #photography #photograph

Found these two paintings today at mums place. The first I painted just after I had been discharged from hospital, at age 13. The second is from when I was in hospital for the second time, at age 15. They both show how I was feeling at the time, and I think there is something very moving about them. They portray the turmoil I was dealing with as a young woman, battling with mental health issues. ❀️🎈
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#mentalhealth #mentalhealthwareness #mentalillness #recovery #mentalheathrecovery #edawareness #edrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdisorder #ednos #art #painting #artformentalhealth #artfeelings #paintfeelings #igart #igpainting #igpaint #artist #feelings #emotional #throwback #tbt #younger

when people find out I have an ED, one of two things usually comes out of people's mouth: "but you seem so happy," or "but you're so skinny." πŸ™„ I don't know what that's even supposed to mean...Life isn't always what it seems. Just because someone has a smile on their face doesn't mean they are smiling on the inside. & if I thought I was "so skinny," I wouldn't have stopped eating. I know it is hard for people to understand but I don't always see myself the way you see me. My mind works so hard to distort my body when I look at it. It's like my mind has me looking in one of those fun house mirrors you saw at the fair when you were a kid except now it's not so fun & I'm convinced that I do actually look that way. I remember taking this picture in Mexico, a million different thoughts were going through my mind, most of them were along the lines of, "suck it in, you don't want to look fat" πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ but all you see is a girl who appears happy on a beautiful beach.. & I was happy, on the surface.. that's the thing about my (& most others) ED, it has me trying so hard to convince everyone (& myself) that things are fine & because it's not physical, everyone (& myself) believes that things are indeed "fine." Just because you can't physically see struggle & pain, doesn't mean there's not mental & emotional struggle & pain. People often think that because I'm not underweight & am eating that I must be "fine" & i'm "cured." it's the mental & emotional aspect that's forgotten. I think that's why people are confused when they hear I struggle with anorexia πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ ED is just like any other physical illness; just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. there are good days & there are bad days. It takes work everyday & it'll always be a part of me. it doesn't just go away because I started eating. it's still there even though I'm smiling & laughing. not everyday is a struggle but not everyday is rainbows and sunshine. So next time you find out someone you know struggles with an ED maybe take a step back and think before you respond...there's more to people than what meets the eye 😊 #edrecovery #anorexia #mentalhealthawareness #lifelongjourney

You are good enough.

*this post will probably be deleted*
NON KITTY POST TO BRAG:
Left picture: 88lbs
Right picture: 119lbs

I have suffered from EDNOS for three years. It has taken me three full years and a lot of relapses but I can FINALLY say I have hit my first milestone and I have OFFICIALLY GAINED (and maintained ) 30lbs!!!! I am fighting for my life back and I refuse to give up! Here's to me, because I'M WORTH IT!
#ednos #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #recoverywin #ednoswarrior #twloha #sucideprevention #edawareness #donttellmeimskinny

Summer beach body achieved.... I have a body and I took it to the beach, many of times... and I will keep doing so until it is too cold! Why not embrace your inner mermaid during the beginning and oh so faint whispers of fall?! I'm embracing my sandy bottoms, sea salt coated hair and sticky skin for as long as I can!! Who else is with me?! Ps... I am also bringing all the fall candles πŸ˜‚#recoveryloveandcare #beyondthebody

You're allowed to make mistakes.

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