So I went to an amazing wedding this Saturday. I had the honor of being a bridesmaid and I honestly loved every second of it. I felt beautiful. I had a blast. And more than once, I felt moments of pure joy and happiness that night. .
Then yesterday, Sunday, I saw this picture. (I'm obviously hugging a friend of mine, but for privacy reasons she's cut out of this shot.) When I saw this, I was immediately shot back to negative thinking. I thought; "have I really become this big? I didn't even realize how enormous I am! Wow, people must have been so grossed out by me!" Despite the fact that more than one person complimented me that night. .
And then a feeling of powerlessness flutted over me. Because I know how damaging it is for me to focus on weight-loss. I know how much self hate and agony is hiding behind that door. But I also really want to lose weight, because I don't want to gross people out. .
And then I noticed what my motivation has become; not to feel better about myself, not to be healthier and protect my bad knee, not to be able to buy clothes in "normal" stores or sit in "normal" chairs without hurting my thighs... But to protect people from being grossed out by me? And how messed up is that?! What a negative and destructive way of viewing myself... I was really disappointed. Because I do actually feel good about who I am and how I look most days. And I don't believe that fat = gross. I don't. I've seen too many beautiful, fat babes to believe that anymore. And then this? .
I guess what I'm saying is this: We all have bad days. Ups and downs. And that's part of the body positive journey. And that's okay.
Today I took a shower and as a stood and looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought positive things. I tried smiling and seeing the beauty that is me. And the fact that I'm even able to do that gives me hope and strength. .
And btw; I've made this photo the wallpaper on my phone. Because I believe confronting those bad feelings will make them vanish. And because I love how happy we look in this shot ❤️