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I have the best news 😭
After some blood work has been completed I will finally be in the operating theatre to give me answers and ways forward.
Years of pain and I might have answers.
Night after night in hospital beds and I might get relief.
Confusion, agony and self hate and I might find comfort.
Keep pushing with medical professionals.
Listen to your body.
Don't take no for an answer when you know something is wrong.
You deserve a pain free life where possible.
You deserve as much freedom as possible.
I honestly can't say how happy I am about this
Ps I don't want medical advice or to discuss the treatment/procedure 😊 Fanx

My teenage years were filled with rock bands powerfully expressing their emotions through song. One of those bands was Linkin Park.
I am so saddened by the loss of Chester Bennington; so heartbroken that a man who's music helped so many people, struggled so much.
When I found out Robin Williams died (I will not say committed suicide, makes him sound like he did a crime), I cried for days. The idea that a man who's life goal was to make people laugh, could be so unhappy was devastating.
Men's mental health matters. Men are called 'weak' for showing emotion. Laughed at for crying. Mocked for expressing themselves.
It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to speak out and cry. It's okay to ask for help.
Men, lads, boys, please never feel ashamed to ask for help. Never feel ashamed to come forward.
There are many male celebrities discussing mental health such as @stormzyofficial, Wentworth Miller, Prince Harry and Prince William, @professorgreen, @stephenfryactually @aflintoff11, @dominicpurcell, @logic301 and many more, which is so amazing and inspiring and is going to change lives.
Men, keep going, and don't be afraid to show emotion. Don't be afraid to say you're not okay. You are amazing and wonderful.
One more time, men's mental health matters.
For anyone struggling, contact Samaritans 116 123 ❤️

Tummy lovin 💜
I'm grateful for everything about you...
Your scars
Your stretch marks
Your little folds that move with me.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you where beautiful.
I'm sorry I compared you to others I deemed more worthy than you.
I'm sorry I tried to change you.
And I promise to never try to change you again. 💜🌸💜
You are beautiful.
You are worthy.
You are mine.
Love you tummy 💜

Now THIS is what a food & #nutrition student looks like 👩🏻‍🍳🔪🙌🏻
As part of the studies for my #dietetics degree this semester, I have a subject called "Chemistry of Food and Cooking" ⚗️🍽🍎 I was already excited about this class as it incorporates my two favourite things - science and food! After looking into the subject details I discovered that my practicals in the chem lab are basically cooking classes, where I experiment with different types of food ❤️ This is a dream come true 🙏🏻✨ I had to order a special chef's hat, apron and kitchen utensil kit which arrived in the mail today! I starting looking ahead at the work to come where I discovered to my fright that pracs would include tasting the food samples.....⁉️🙊 This is something I just can't do. My ED has an 'all or nothing' approach to eating and therefore tasting even tiny portions of food is out of the question. I know this is something to work on in the future, but right now it is not a priority in terms of what I need challenge. So I've become a bit apprehensive about classes starting next week. I'm really frightened about what they will expect of me, especially if I'm put on the spot and am asked to try something or questioned why I won't 😭 I'm hoping I'll be able to apply for special consideration through the disability support program at the university if it comes to being graded on tastings. On one hand I'm thrilled to be getting more into the dietetics specific study at uni 🥑🍔🍦 but on the other the more food-related the course work is, the more potentially triggering it may be for my eating disorder. I guess this is what I was signing up for when I chose to study something so closely linked to my mental illness, but I'm determined to not let it put my recovery progress at risk! If anything, learning the REAL facts about diet and nutrition should be helpful in reinforcing a healthy relationship with food and weight ⚖️💪🏻 For now I'm going to focus on the positives which is knowing I'll be spending time in a proper culinary kitchen, performing science experiments on food 😍 There is no point dwelling on events that haven't happened yet!

"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
#progresspicture#eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexiarecovery#anorexia#eatingdisorder

Ricordo ancora quando scattai questa foto: ero esattamente fuori dal supermercato Londinese, nel bel mezzo di un'abbuffata, una delle tante. Mi trovavo a Londra per frequentare un corso di cyber law presso la London School of Economics, per il quale avevo insistito tantissimo con i miei genitori, tanto da chiederlo come regalo di laurea. Essendo divenuta madre a 20 anni, avevo espresso il desiderio di stare un mese fuori casa, per fare le esperienze di cui mi ero privata durante l'università, per approfondire le conoscenze e l'inglese. Sono stati giorni intensi, ricchi non solo di emozioni positive, ma anche negative. Mi sono resa conto di non essere poi così forte ed indipendente come mi credevo, che stare lontana da casa non è poi così facile, ma soprattutto che ho BISOGNO DEGLI AFFETTI, che da sola NON MI BASTO. La mia famiglia mi mancava al punto tale da riempirmi di cibo, fino a stare male, gli episodi di binge in quel periodo sono stati davvero assidui, 3-4 a settimana, il cibo era l'unico strumento per colmare quel vuoto interiore. Ora a distanza di un anno ci penso e ripenso, non sono ancora definitivamente uscita da questo problema, ne soffro da oltre dieci anni, tutt'oggi capitano abbuffate, ogni santa notte mi sveglio e vado a mangiare, PERÒ non posso negare i progressi, da 2-3 episodi settimanali sono passata a 1-2 ogni 2 o 3 settimane. Sono più serena, mi ascolto di più, sono più flessibile e meno fiscale con me stessa, sto cercando di superare tutti quei rigidi schemi mentali che mi sono sempre auto imposta. Sto cercando di uscire da quella prigione che mi sono creata con le mie stesse mani. E sono fiduciosa, sono convinta che quella che sto percorrendo sia la strada giusta. #icanandiwill

I use protein powder A LOT. And while I love it (@nuzest_usa is my fave!), I want to work on eating more whole foods especially at breakfast. I always tend to make protein waffles or protein over night oats or a smoothie with protein. It's been about a week now where I've been making myself savory breakfasts to break the cycle (with the exception of a smoothie here and there, because HOT). I've been on such a scrambled egg kick lately. I threw together a couple of my absolute favorite foods for this bowl and it was insane 🤤
Scrambled Egg Bowl ⬇️
🔺1 @vitalfarms egg and 2 egg whites soft scrambled in @fourthandheart California Garlic ghee and @primalpalate Breakfast Blend seasoning
🔺Avocado with sea salt
🔺Roasted and chilled sweet potato wedges cooked in coconut oil
🔺@kitehillfoods Almond Chive Cream Cheese

Viele von euch schreiben mir und fragen, wie ich es schaffe, so offen mit meinen Narben umzugehen. Ich kann euch sagen, dass es nicht einfach ist. Ich hab sie auch lange Zeit versteckt, aber irgendwann wurde mir klar, dass die Narben jetzt zu mir gehören. Sie sind jetzt ein Teil von mir und ich weiß, dass ich gekämpft habe, noch immer täglich kämpfe, und die Narben "Kriegsverletzungen" sind. Aus einem Krieg gegen mich selbst.
Auch für mich gibt es Tage, an denen es schwerer ist, kurzärmelig zu gehen. Ich sehe gefühlt jeden Blick von fremden Menschen. Wisst ihr was ich dann mache? Ich gucke zurück! #depressed #depressionrecovery #depression #ed #essstörung #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #svv #scars #selfharrm #survivor #ritzen #recovery #mentalhealth #mentalillness #stillnotforattention

Nightsnack with major anxiety 🙄 Just feel bad after dinner cuz I am still really full and thoughts telling me I've gain tons today 💩


A quick lunch today in between manic packing for the weekend!
I had wholewheat paste penne with a tomato and garlic sauce and parmesan. Served with salad and garlic bread pizza.
Now off to little Flossie's reception leaving ceremony ☺️
#lunch #lunchtime #pasta #penne #pastapenne #tomatoandgarlicsauce #parmesan #garlicbread #salad

I want her thigh gap so badly... • • •
#thinspiration #bulimic #anorexic #anorexia #anabuddy #binge #fat #eatingdisorder

На обед какао,ням🙂☺️ в два часа ела ещё детскую кашу,160 калорий в порции. Да,я ем детские каши на питьевой ибо они жидкие и в них нет кусочков. А вот питьевые йогурты типа Чудо,Активиа и т.п. я избегаю,т.к. в них гребаные кусочки ягод да и калорий в два раза больше,чем в каше .-. #food #diet #dietfood #eatingdisorder #ed #anorexia #like4like #followme #mua #vsco #yummy #abc #fooddiary #haveaniceday #утро #диета #завтрак #пп #ип #дневникпитания #худею #худеемвместе #foodblogger #расстройствапищевогоповедения #eatingdisorder #питьеваядиета #пд #drinkingdiet

I just got home back from vacation an I WANNA GO BACK

We are all unique humans🌸 Individual in our own way, beautiful in our own way💗 It takes a long time to recognize how wonderful it is to just be yourself. To have these corners and edges that are typical for you. To just not look like everyone else. It's time to show the the universe that you are on earth. To show your real you🌸 And it's time to be not ashamed about that. To give a shit at what the society wants you to be, to look, to act💗 It's time to give a shit about other oppinions. You are on earth to be you🌸 You are not born to hate yourself, you are born because you can be who you wanne be and everyone can change something💗 You are worth it!!!
Inspired by @lulusdreamtown

I feel like this is a very important point, especially to someone overly sensitive and empathetic. It's a real dick move to tell a person "hey it could be much worse". Everything could always be worse, but it could always be better too. And no one has the right to say your struggle isn't valid. It is. You do not have to be greatfull for feeling like shit just because someone somewhere has it worse. You are not alone 🌸
#depressed #depression #depressionrecovery #anxiety #socialanxiety #anxietydisorder #panicdisorder #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillnessawareness #endthestigma #endthestigmaofmentalhealth #youarenotalone #yourstruggleisreal #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #bulimia #bulimiarecovery #ptsd #chronicfatiguesyndrome #obsessivecompulsivedisorder

The negative thing about my hair? It looks so blurry even tho i don't edit my hair :'D
Going to do a liquid fast for the next 3-4 days and just a slight workout bc i don't feel good since it's that time of the month again.
But i'm really hyped for my waist trainer orz.
#pastel #pastelhair #pastelgothgirl #nyxnatural #pastelgoth #emo #emogirl #alternativegirl #alternative #kawaii #japan #harajuku #animegirl #anime #workout #fashion #eatingdisorder #depressed #fitnessmotivation #fitnessaddict #gothgirl #goth #directionsviolet #instahair #selfie #makeup #greyhair #grannyhair #croptop

#dinner yesterday were black noodles with fish 😋🍲
Today is just not my day... I originally planned to meet some girls from my old inpatient ward but all of them cancelled (kinda normal when 3 borderliners and 1 depressed women try to plan) 😑
So I wanted to take a dog for a walk at the pet shelter but all of them were already out 🐶
So I cycled back home, went vegetable shopping and picked redcurrants🍇
Hope your day is better 💕
#recovery #realrecovery #recoverydiary #realrecoverydiary #recoveryispossible #recoveryisworthit #anawho #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #eating #foodisfuel #embracethesquish #eatittobeatit #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #edfighter #edwarrior #foodie #boobsnotbones #nourishtoflourish #2fab4ana #toofab4ana #weightrestored #ed #edrecovery #weightrestoration

Dessert last night was a serving of haagen dazs dulce de leche ice cream !! 🍦
#recoverywin since i chose the much higher cal option !! 🙌🏻💜 and even took more than usual (it was compacted at the bottom 😉)
who cares if i don't eat as "healthy" as my sister ?! i should eat the foods that i enjoy !! 🌟❤️
also, since i have a blood test the next day, i can't eat 12 hours before the appointment so i would have to stop eating at 9:00 pm 😱 but instead of taking that as an opportunity to restrict, i just ate my dessert earlier !! ☺️💓
~ aeris 🥑
Tags: #food #healthy #eatingdisorder #eatingdisoderrecovery #eathealthy #progress #healthychoices #recovery #mystory #foodisfuel #protein #myjourney #edrecovery #fitness #ed #healthynotskinny #edcommunity #normalweight #anorexia #prorecovery #recoveryfam #fearfood #icecream #haagendazs #dulcedeleche #spoon #caramel

[Recovery Diary Day 10!||20170721]
•Today I ALREADY ate over 1600 calories BEFORE(!) Dinner, im so amazed of myself #recoverywin ,its weird and I somehow feel weird but then I had an idea to put everywhere I'm looking to everyday a motivation sticky note and I feel better #strongnotskinny 😍🌸
•I'm preparing for holiday trip so this pic is a little weird (everything is laying on the floor) 😂
#anorexiarecovery #orthorexia #anorexianervosa #orthorexianervosarecovery #edfamily #edrecover #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #recovery #recoverydiary #recoveryisworthit #healthy #fightagainstana #fight #fit #fitness #recoverfromed #recoveryblog

I had porridge yesterday! 🎉 Haven't had it in a year and a half 😳 For most people, it's considered a "safe food" because it's 'healthy' but, for me, it's the opposite. I think it's because 1) it's meant to fill you up, which scares me and 2) because I actually absolutely love it, which Ana hates 😑 I was the one who introduced it into our household and, eventually, everyone else caught up and started liking it 😏😂 I would have it for breakfast every day and would literally go to bed looking forward to it! 😋 Anywaaays, porridge is yum and I'm so glad it's back in my life 😊
Also just thought I'd share that I had something new and challenging for EVERY SINGLE meal AND snack yesterday! 🙌🏻 It was the most positive day I've had in a while and I feel a bit lighter than before - metaphorically, not literally 😳🙈
I went out shopping with my mum this morning and I've pretty much finished my summer shopping 👗 I just came home to the sweetest card from my music teacher 💞 anddd I have a challenge coming up today which I'll post about later 😋 Hope you're all having a fabulous day 😘💘

Glitter makes everything better! ❤️💦✨ #skinnygirl #skinnylove #loveit #eatingdisorder #glitter #water #bath #sparkle #amazing

When your little man is up wayyyyyy early (I think his legs are sore and bothering him ☹️) you might as well take advantage by getting a run in before it gets too hot. The days of "I burned those calories for a reason, why would I want to replace them?" are over, so of course I've gotta refuel in the best way possible... Nutella 😏 Driving alllll over the state of AZ for work today (no, really), but then it's the weekend! And we've got a ton of things planned, none of which include stressing over meals, calories, body image, or working out. Sorry ed, ain't nobody in this life of mine got time for that 🙅🏻 I'll be off living thank you very much! And please lovies, I hope you'll all be off doing the same thing. Life is for living, (not living uptight... 10 points to gryffindor if you can name that song reference. It's really not that hard), and I hope we can all live free 😘• #edrecovery#edwarrior#eatingdisorder#eatingdisorderrecovery#anorexia#anorexiarecovery#anorexiaathletica#prorecovery#bulimia#ana#mia#recovery#fuckanorexia#adultswitheds#togetherwecan#edfighter#edfamily#beatana#beated#realrecovery#intuitiveeating#eatittobeatit#foodisfuel#nutella#banana#runner

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