This is a long and personal post but I just had an epiphany and needed to share.
I recently bought my first tarot cards (The wildwood Tarot) and I was reading the book that came with it and read this phrase :
« We always hate in others what we fear most in ourselves »
I swear, I instantly had thousand of images pop up in my mind. I sat in my bed with my mouth open staring at the wall for what felt like an hour trying to process what I was seeing/feeling.
What do I hate the most in others? Dependance. I mean I cannot stand when people need help for everything (obviously not talking about kids here!). Like, it drives me insane. I’ve lost my shit on people always asking for help more than once.
Why? This is where it gets personal, but I strongly feel the need to share this. I’ve been mostly on my own since I was 11. My mom abandoned us when I was 11 after she divorced my dad. I was left with my deaf and mute dad and my older brother who had already found drugs and alcohol to cope. My dad needed help on a daily basis and my older brother was in no condition to do so. At 11, I had to learn to change a pay check at the bank, go food shopping, pay bills, cook, clean...I had to go through puberty alone. I vividly remember trying to figure out how to use tampon by myself. When the pay check stopped coming, I had to apply for un-employment for my dad, find a food bank, cancel the phone, cable, begging my mom on the phone to send us money....the list goes on and on. (Not to mention dealing with all the trauma of my mom leaving and lots more i’m not ready to share.) As and adult, I don’t do well with being told what to do. I am fiercely independent. I’ve learned to be even more as a mother myself. My boyfriend works out of town (province or like right now, out of the country). He’s gone for weeks or months at the time, leaving me alone to care for our kids and house. There is not much I cannot do by now!
I went camping with a friend a few years back and she couldn’t even put up her tent by herself, she didn’t know how to start a fire and it wasn’t her first camping trip. My boyfriend calls me 20 times a day to ask me questions!
(Continued in comments)