Needing to vent!
320lbs and 39 weeks pregnant. Prior to pregnancy I was around 280 lbs and that then was my heaviest weight. The left was taken on November 16th, 2016 and the new heaviest I had ever been. A day and a half later I gave birth to the best thing that ever happened to me and was left at 305 lbs. I challenged myself to change at 6 weeks post partum in January 2017 and have sinse lost 45 lbs. I dont see a 60lb difference which frustrates me. I identify still as the same weight in the photo on the left. This comparison frustrates me and I have gone back and forth on posting it. I should cherish the photo on the left but I absolutely hate it. I see and feel so much pain when it should be a celebration of what my body accomplished. I hated every minute of being pregnant because to me it was just more weight. I hated when people tippy toed around asking if I was pregnant because there was a chance I was just fat, or would just call me fat not knowing I was pregnant. I hate that no one could feel the baby kick through 150 lbs of fat. I hated that I couldn't or wouldn't expose my belly for those beautiful maternity photos, or paint it something silly for Halloween. I hated that it took until the third trimester to even slightly look like I was pregnant. I hated that my spouse still thought I was beautiful when I loathed myself. . and would affectionately grab my butt.. but he was actually grabbing my back fat. I couldn't work, I couldn't continue any of my hobbies, I couldn't hike with the dogs, I couldn't even drink my worries away. I was just to heavy and worn out. So. Much. Sadness.
So now that so much is passed me.. why do I not feel different? Why do I still see myself in that light? Why do I just shrug off those who congratulate me on my accomplishments? This is proving to be the hardest challenge of all. 26 years of self loathe is going to take a lot longer to change then I had anticipated.. and working out is no where near as hard as changing the voice in your head. Self love after so many years of sabotage and punishment.. ? I don't even know where to begin! Sure I've made some progress.. but today is deffinetly one of those relapse days.