Today was such a difficult day. When I first broke up with my ex, I felt so free. The chains were lifted. My friends even told me I looked better! I felt so light hearted. .
Isn’t it weird how it always takes time for healing to settle in? I put up with more in that relationship than I ever would have if I weren’t sick. I felt he was all I had. And in some ways that was true. I knew it was super unhealthy the whole time and I was screaming inside. I didn’t want to be a burden on my family so I took what I could get. Somewhere along the way I lost my voice. I felt I didn’t have any resources to get out. So I kept trying to convince myself I needed the courage to stay and give it all I had. And I did. .
I went through my entire life savings as he constantly reminded me I was sick and wasn’t giving enough. I wasn’t doing enough. So I was just giving everything because I was convinced I owed him something for putting up with me through cancer. Something he constantly reminded me of. .
I ignored my gut. I ignored my heart. I chose that. I can be mad at him for profiting off of the situation. but I was the one who participated in the dysfunction. All I had to do was walk away. Take up space. Voice my needs and follow through. I didn’t until I finally did. .
I’m often so angry at myself for letting that all unravel. The day I met him I knew it was off. But out of a feeling of desperation, I kept going with it. And I ended up worse off in the long run. .
I want people to have choices. No matter what situation they’re in. Someone else shouldn’t have complete control over every aspect of your life. I learned that the hard way. .
Yes. I’m in my parents basement. Yes I blew through my savings during cancer . Yes it sucks. But at least I can start from a space of truth. I know what I am building now. I dont care how long it takes. I’ll never be at the hands of someone else again. .
I felt a little desperate today. Grasping. I’m definitely homesick. I definitely would give anything to talk to Margie. .
It’s all leading to that day. That day I’ll be completely free. So I’ll walk through what I have to until then.

Good people have the bad shit when Bad people is on a bed of roses. You Bet. #sad #emotional #notfair #emotion #heart #deserve #people #desperate #desperation

In fact, I don’t even want you to love. I just want to take my love and make it yours. #love #sad #sadboy #sadgirl #feelings #emotion #cry #emotional #sadness #deep #desperation #desperateshout #tumblr

Sometimes crying makes us see better. Sometimes it’s just makes It blurrier. #cry #sad #depression #sadness #quote #words #deep #desperation

• • • • •
Sometimes when I paint it ends up so different then I could ever imagine. Take this one for example. I never give my paintings names, but this one I called "Different Desperation." It is the artwork I started in my live Instagram Storie yesterday. When I finished the storie I thought, it looks like all the other paintings I make lately. What is so creative about that? And then I tryed something else and tryed something else and tryed something else... I thought I really messed it up when I was finished. I was frustrated and really desperate. But looking back at it today it looks different and still arty.
What do you think of it? Be honest.

It's so damn hard to bloom... to change. Even when you want to change, want it more than anything in the world, it's hard. Desire to change isn't enough. Or desperation. Couldn't be done without...love... ~ Dean Koontz

#hardtobloom #bloom #change #wanttochange #world #hard #desiretochange #desperation #without #love #quoteoftheday #quote #picoftheday #photooftheday #photography #darkness #rose #littlelight #october #indiansummer #fall

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