Sometimes defeat and success look exactly the same. The last time I did my running set (last Thursday night with Mop) I felt like I strained my hammies on the first run, it was painful, stiff and unpleasant and I actually threw up afterwards because I was so exhausted.
Needless to say, I was not looking forward to my session tonight.
I hit about 4.00pm at work today and was struggling to stay awake, and then Oz messaged as I was getting home at 7 to say he was only leaving his work in Geelong now. That meant I wouldn't have the car till 8 (it's a 10 minute drive to the track) and I curled up in bed absolutely uncertain of if I was going to go or not. When Oz got home I still didn't know if I wanted to go, and I probably wasn't sure until I was out the door on the way to the car, but I decided tonight was an important night to push myself. It was raining heavily - nice fat drops into the eyes. It was cold. I felt physically sick from exertion the entire time. My calves felt like hundreds of little knives were shredding them, and I started crying after my first set of 6 run throughs. This would have been a really easy point to give up and embrace my role as hostess of tonight's pity party. But I managed to some what suck it up, and kept running (and crying) through my last 2 sets.
I guess it's important for me to acknowledge that even though I'm "enjoying" my rehab for the most part, it is fucking hard every single day. And even though I've accepted this is where I am and this is my situation, it really sucks. And I'm allowed to have moments where the reality of all this hits hard and feel sorry for myself. But it's even more important for me to push through those moments and keep going and not give up. What's going to get me out of here faster is not wallowing in the lows but fighting through them to get back to the highs.
So here I am. Absolutely defeated and miserable, but with a big win under my belt for heading out and still running tonight.
I'm going to curl up in bed now and enjoy tomorrow, because it's one day closer to healing and another day stronger (and I have no running tomorrow ha)
#acl #acltear #aclrehab #aclreconstruction #week16 #day110 #tAyCL