Last night before we fell asleep I whispered in Hazels ear “Tomorrow is going to be a good day”. She woke up a bit on the rough side but within a few hours she took my hand and said “ You were right Mom, today is a good day!” She was out of her bed more today, she even stole some of daddy’s food ☺️. We are hoping to get her off of IV nutrition so we can go home soon. It’s been such a good past few days I felt like I could take a few hours to myself while Noble was with Hazel.
Every time I think I’m ok I’m reminded, things aren’t the same. I’m not ok yet. This is going to take some time.
With permission I sneak into our Crossfit gym after hours and sweat some of my bottled up stress, anger, and anxiety out.
This gym was.. is our second home. Hazel did kidfit here, Noble and I spent hours here with Hazel. Daily. Its been our family daily activity for so long. Hazel knows it almost as much as our house. “It’s kidfit time!!!”. I get there. I’m alone. I forgot how big this place is. I start my workout, a workout I’ve done before. It should be easy. It’s not. I’m on my second round. And it hits me. I can’t breathe. I drop my bar and scream out loud for the first time since Hazel was diagnosed. She can’t see me, so it alright. I’m not ok. Everyone says I’m so strong, but I don’t feel strong.
These ropes. Hazel loves to climb on them. These rings, Hazel turned them into a swing. These mats. Hazel would run and jump on them. These boxes. Hazel would jump off of. Scratch her arm, cry. Then run and play all over again. I’m reminded that life outside of those hospital walls are going to be very different. Just because we get to go home soon doesn’t mean we get our old lives back. I pick my bar back up and start over again. That’s how life will be when we do get to go home, we will just start over. Find a new normal. Sure, it’s definitely not going to be the same, but one day, a few years down the road when she is completely cancer free we look back and see how far we have come. We will be so much stronger then we ever have been before. Until then.
We will Fight. Together. Always.