Today's Blog 👇
"Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” - Nietzsche
For a decade I have made it my business to do battle with demons and monsters. Many ran rampant in my family life, and I intentionally sought them out when I left my house. I thought that if I saved them, I’d finally be worthy of love. If it was for the love of others, I’d don armor, grab my blade, and rush to the battlefield. And I did. In eighth grade I began attacking every fear, sorrow, and suicidal thought that I encountered. If I could not find enough in other people, I would subconsciously wage war in my own mind. No matter what I would be the hero that killed the monster that ravaged the Earth.
But somewhere along the way, I began to fear that I was incapable of defeating those demons. My methods seemed to only attract more attacks from others, instead of their love. Eventually I noticed that the armor I had donned was my own self-esteem and that it had become brittle over the years. One day my armor broke. A blow from the outside did not shatter my garments; a beast had grown from within the boy who seeked to protect himself from monsters.
I hated everyone. Or I thought I did. I actually hated myself. “You’re no knight. You’re no savior of the people. You're NOTHING." the voices whispered in my dreams.
My survival instincts would not allow the depression to completely overtake me, so I redirected my hatred towards the people I had so desperately tried to save. “ They – the people – they’re all swine.” Thoughts of world domination floated into my consciousness. ---> READ the rest in my profile link! ---->