Sometimes it is necessary to go a very long distance out of your way, to come back a short distance correctly ~ Edward Albees
I am flying off to Canada again in less than two weeks. I am probably the most afraid of my choice to leave than I have ever been about my choice to travel. Because this time I'm going in with a lot more intention, risking a lot more and it really feels like it matters this time what I get out of it. I know better what I want and I'm taking steps towards it but oh my is the fear of failure high this time. What if it doesn't work out? What if I completely run out of money? What if people are judging me for doing this?
This year has been about learning and education. And I have been pushing hard for it. I'm in training to be a pilates teacher and I'm going to Canada to do an intensive course that weaves my academic background with my love for circus. I will get to study research methods in circus and performing arts and I couldn't be more excited that something like that exists. And that my application to do the course got accepted! So for the first few weeks of July I'll be a uni student again. Dissecting the amazing shows of Montreal Complètement Cirque under the guidance of academics who study circus for a living.
It feels like things are falling into place but my anxiety levels have been quite high lately and the process of getting what I want has been hard work. I've had to push. I've had to choose. It hasn't fallen into my lap. The opportunities have been there but they have all required me to really want it. To really choose it. It's a shift from the last few years where I went with the flow and ended up going to cool places and doing amazing things. I could keep randomly going with the flow and sure I believe cool things would still happen but I would feel a little dissatisfied. Those last few years taught me to let go. But now I need to choose. It's very empowering but it's also bloody terrifying.
And because every instagram post needs a picture, I chose this one from my recent shoot with @amandalaphotography. It's my favourite one because she captured a real and authentic smile that feels like it's totally me.