We’ve no time to waste so let’s get to it: what, exactly, is a Brett Kavanaugh. Good question. Last night Donald Trump announced his next candidate for SCOTUS after being presented a list of vetted candidates (100% true) from which he chose a name by proxy of where the fast food drippings fell onto the paper (maybe). Enter Brett. But who is this man that pulled Donald away from his nightly repast of two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, and a small chocolate shake?
Bretty, like Donnie, has no need for a chin, for such a physical trait imprisons his ability to call forth the Devil when his left hand (SINISTER) fashions the sign of the Beast. (Side note! One does not pronounce the “gh” in his last name. God gave us phonics to use so an unused dipthong is an obvious sign of Satanism.) Bretty wears no ring on his left hand because his soul is forever given to Lucifer.
Bretty likes to flaunt a blue tie in his suits but, make no mistake, the blood in his veins is red. (The color of the devil.) If confirmed to The Supreme Court, the rivers will turn red and darkness will be cast over the land. The bloating you feel after a gluten-free sandwich with fat-free mayo and free-range turkey with organic non-GMO lettuce is not result of a careless kitchen worker using a knife that touched a bread loaf full of gluten – no! – but the work of Satan himself. (THE MARK OF THE BEAST.) And that bloating will persist in you because you did not contact your elected officials to block any and all SCOTUS nominations under Donnie’s watch.
Also, Bretty wears suits off the rack. I mean, what are we, poor? Fuck that shit, Gorl.